Body AFTER Baby

I recently posted this question on my Facebook page:

“What would you say is the most difficult post baby adjustment? And if you're not a parent but plan to be, what do you THINK will be the most difficult adjustment you face?”

I had in mind my own top three difficult adjustments, but I wanted to see what other people thought about the topic. Two of the three I had in mind were discussed but today I want to talk about the third one, the one no one mentioned. I’m not sure if it’s because other woman don’t deal with this issue or because it’s just not one of the easier topics to discuss but either way, here goes!

One of the most difficult transitions for me as a mother, has been my body after baby. There are many adjustments and on the big scheme of things, this probably shouldn’t be a HUGE concern, (which it isn’t) BUT it has been on the forefront of my mind and a difficult one to adjust to.

Growing up I’ve always been on the smaller side, I’m one of those girls that was naturally thin and I never really had to watch what I ate or exercise in order to stay “skinny”. Now just as a disclaimer I’m not saying this is the “right” way or the way women should look, nor am I saying this is the healthiest lifestyle, but nonetheless, this has been my reality for the majority of my life.

This all changed for me once I became pregnant with my daughter. My slim figure quickly, began to stretch and grow by the very day. Throughout my pregnancy I gained nearly 50 pounds! Although seeing my body morph into something unrecognizable was difficult at times, I really didn’t have major body image issues during my pregnancy. In fact, I never really thought I looked that big most of the time. I can honestly say most of my insecurities or self- consciousness was developed over time from other women (and sometimes men) who would say things such as “Oh my gosh! You’re huge!” or “WOW. I never got THAT big”. I realize now, that in comparison to my petite pre- baby frame, yes, nearly 50 addition pounds does look HUGE but I wasn’t some sort of spectacle. The fact that I was a little bigger than normal wasn’t an open opportunity for people to tell me so at every available opportunity. I think sometimes our society confuses “keeping it real” with “being rude” BUT I’ll leave that alone. Another day, another blog.

Anyways, one of the things I started to say towards the end of my pregnancy was “I can’t wait to have my body back”. This is twofold, one because I could not wait to not feel invaded by another human being and two because I couldn’t wait to shed all these extra pounds that had become difficult and cumbersome to carry around and made getting dressed every morning less like a daily task and more like an Olympic event.

This sounded good and all but there is one thing no one ever told me… AFTER you have your baby, you don’t just “get your body back”. This was probably one of the most difficult realizations for me. I knew I would be sleep deprived, covered in spit up, changing diapers all day and for all intents and purposes, considered a milk machine. I knew a lot of things about having an infant, but THIS I didn’t know. Being postpartum, I still looked pregnant and since I delivered my daughter via C-section, now I was not only fragile but I had MORE physical limitations then I did my entire pregnancy. It made for a very difficult transition to say the least.   

Over the course of weeks, I managed to lose 30 pounds, this was a great start but it was still a far stretch from my overall weight gain. Now, thankfully, the first 30 pounds came off relatively easy, however, I can tell the rest of them are going to give me a run for my money!

For me personally, the most challenging aspect has been making the time to work out. In the midst of working full time, taking care of a home, a husband, church activities and responsibilities, I now have a 6 month old who requires so much of me and I have allowed working out to quickly fall to the bottom of my priority list. It’s not that I don’t want to work out, it’s not that I don’t want to get back into shape, it’s not that I don’t want to fit back into all my old clothes. Of course I want to feel like myself again, right?

Ask I’ve asked myself this question, I’ve realized that maybe I don’t want it as bad as I thought, or maybe, I want the finished product, but I don’t want the process it takes to get there. Maybe it has become easier to complain about how I feel, than it would be to actually do something about it. I realized that I have made excuses for myself over and over again and every time I add an excuse, I add another pound on my back. (Not literally but you get the picture)

“I don’t have time”
“I can’t diet, I’m breastfeeding”
“I’m too tired”

These are some of my common excuses, but they are just that. EXCUSES. Everyone has enough time to do what they REALLY want to do, I can’t diet, but there is a suggested calorie count that is suggested for breastfeeding moms and HOW I reach those calories is up to me. Will I eat cupcakes and brownies all day or will I make healthy choices that will allow my food to work WITH me and not AGAINST me? I am tired, but as I begin to live a healthier life style energy will come.

I’ve realized sometimes it’s easier to be addicted to your struggle than to actually make the moves you need to see change! This can go for anything in life, what are you complaining about? What obstacle do you talk about but do nothing about? The struggle is no longer a struggle once you submit yourself to it. At that point it’s a lifestyle choice.

I’m not saying I want to be super skinny to feel beautiful, for ME personally, I don’t believe that is necessarily the image of beauty I should strive after. However, I do want to be strong! I want to become fit, healthy and confident. I really want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not because I’m perfect, but because every day I do my best to take care of the one body that God has given me.

As a woman and a mother, I believe in my body more than I ever have before. I have a new found appreciation for this baby making machine. I am thankful that although many times I felt like I couldn’t take it another day, like I couldn’t bear another pound, like I couldn’t withstand another contraction, my body overcame it all and today I am stronger because of it. I might never look the way I did before I had my daughter, and I might never loose the last 15 pounds, but I tell you what, I will be stronger in the end.

I know that this is going to take time and effort, but I’m committed to the process.

Knowledge v Wisdom

Anyone who knows me well, knows I do two things, A LOT..

 

1. Think

2. Talk

I find myself sometimes over thinking and then just blurting out my feelings, thoughts or opinions randomly or unnecessarily. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong but most times I could have just been quiet either way.

I guess one thing that really frustrates me more than it probably should, is knowing that something is “wrong” and just looking past it, ignoring it or acting like it never happened. It literally burns inside of me until I get it out. This could be a good thing, or a bad thing. I guess it really depends on who you ask and when you ask them.

I’m learning more each day that just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. Just because I’m “right” or justified doesn’t mean I need to blurt it. Some things are meant for private pondering, not public broadcasting.

It’s true: knowledge is knowing what to say, but wisdom knows when to say it.

Lately I find myself writing out long text messages, emails or Facebook post, getting all my thoughts out and then clicking “cancel” because I know it’s just not worth it. I’ll think something over and over in my head and then ultimately, just leave it there. I’ve realized is nothing worse than regretting something you’ve said. Once words are spoken, they are gone. Forever. There is no taking them back, and no matter what your intent, sometimes, they just take on a life of their own.

I’ve become more aware lately of what I say, and to whom I say it to. It’s one thing to speak, but if your words have no end purpose, what’s the point? If nothing good will come of them, if they will make no difference, better yet, if they will make no positive impact, why say them?

If you’re not using your words to build, then you’re using them to destroy. If you’re not using your words for edification, you’re using them for deformation. Whether it be a person, place or thing, your words can be used for building up or breaking down. Choose them wisely.

Not every thought is meant to be shared; my prayer is that I would become quick to listen, slow to speak.

Starting Tomorrow..

How many times have you heard these words? Better yet, how many time have you SAID these words? 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going on a diet" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to work out"

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to wake up earlier" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to pray every morning" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to stop eating out" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to stop talking about that situation" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to be a lot nicer to my spouse" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm gonna stop using my cell phone all the time." 

So many times I've said "starting tomorrow", yet so many times "tomorrow" never came.

I can spend my entire life waiting for tomorrow, or I can realize that TODAY is the day. There is no time like the present. Now is my moment. Why wait? 

"Don't leave for tomorrow what can be done today" 

Starting today....... 

On Fire, but Not Consumed

I've always been particularly interested in Exodus, chapter 3. In this story, the Lord appears to Moses in a burning bush. The scripture says “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”

It’s interesting that although the bush was “on fire for God”, it wasn’t consumed. It didn’t burn out, it didn’t die, it just stayed fully on fire yet fully alive. 

This is an interesting concept for me when I think of it as it applies to my personal life in ministry. It’s my desire that I will always be on fire for God, but never consumed to the point of destruction.

Although I’ve pondered this thought for months, over the past couple of weeks it all came together for me in a very real, tangible way. 

Let me start by saying that I love my life, I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love working in ministry and most importantly, I love God. Nonetheless, over the past few weeks I’ve allowed some negativity to enter into my heart and cause much confusion. I've begun to question and wonder:

“Can we really manage all this?”

“Are we doing the right thing?”

“Is this too much of a sacrifice for our family?”

"Where they right?"

"Is this sacrifice fair to Savannah?" 

There are times when I feel like “Am I doing the right thing?” or “How much is TOO much?” I love what I'm doing and I know that Reuben and I are willing to sacrifice for what we believe in but now having Savannah, I wonder, is it fair that she really had no choice in the matter? Over the past couple of weeks this has been so heavy on my heart. I’ve been praying, seeking the Lord and just wondering what do I do next? 

Thoughts like this have polluted my mind, fogged my vision and have made it very difficult to see and think straight. I’ve seriously contemplated what the “next step” should be and where we should go as a family from here.

In the midst of all of this, I continued on with life as usual, little did I know that was all about to change. This past Wednesday night at our weekly City Link gathering, I spoke to our group about Life Savers. In order to  create a picture of a real example, I set up a scenario for them to think about. This is what I said: 

You’re driving down the street and you come across a house on fire. No one is around, just you. On the side walk you see a kid, cold, scared and crying. He ran out of the house when it caught fire and now he's sitting there alone and terrified. Then you look at the house and you see that there is another kid in the window. Terrified, paralyzed in fear and unable to move.. What do you do? 

Everyone had a different answer. Some said put the kid in the car, others said call 911 and finally one person said, "Well since the kid outside is just cold, I would try to save the kid who's life was in danger." This hit the nail on the head. My entire point was, we aren’t called to comfort the uncomfortable, but to seek and save the lost. Saving the lost will require us to take risks, be brave, put our own life and comfort on the line and enter into messy situations as well as places of vulnerability. This makes sense, right?

 

Now moving  on to Thursday morning,  I get a text message from a close friend and group member saying something along the lines of “I really feel like God is saying everything you said last night is for you. The raging fire is messy, scary, terrifying, overwhelming but there is something inside that makes it worth it. Don’t give up. You can't quit now." I just said thanks and kind of kept it moving. I didn't think too much of it and almost dismissed it as just another sweet "word of encouragement" that made no difference in my life or situation. 

Now, fast forward to Sunday morning. After an awesome service, a young woman whom I rarely speak to, came up to me and told me that my family & I have been an encouragement to her over the last year and she wanted me to know. She spoke wonderful words of how we've impacted her life and she's thankful for that. Then, she continues on to tell me she had a dream about me and wanted to share. What she said next blew my mind. 

 

"I suffer from anxiety sometimes and in this dream I was stuck in my house while it was on fire, too terrified to move I stood there helplessly. Suddenly, you walk in with your husband and daughter. Together, you walked through the fire, guiding me out with a still, calm voice. "Come this way" you said, "it's going to be ok".

 

As this young woman spoke, it hit me like a ton of brinks. It was the confirmation I’ve been waiting for. It would be one thing if she said that I went into the fire, its another thing to know that we were together. Reuben, Savannah and I, as a family.
 

I know that God sent her to me that day. Someone I rarely talk to, to give me the confirmation I desperately needed to hear. Not knowing anything about me or my situation she spoke words of affirmation into my life and future. Her words meant more to me than she'll probably ever know and I'm forever thankful for her obedience. 

That afternoon I was once again reminded of Exodus chapter 3. When you're on fire for God, you will never be consumed to the point of destruction. I realized in that moment that we are on the right path, we are doing what God desires us to do, our sacrifice will not be in vain and my daughter will never lack. Yes, sometimes Mommy and Daddy can't be there the way we wish we could be, but I know that in our absense, God will fill that void and then some. Savannah will never lack. Not now, not ever. 

I realized that my frustration came from letting God slip out of the center of everything and letting myself sneak in. My Christ confidence somehow became self- confidence and with that I was destined for failure. When He is the source of my fire, it is all consuming but I am not consumed. 

I'm thankful that God would take the time, to arrange a series of events that I could not discount as coincidence and that would resonate in my soul for years to come. 

I’ve known for a long time that our life would be very different, and although people may not completely understand that, I feel in my heart that the confirmation I’ve received from God, and the words He has spoken over our lives, outweighs any other word that anyone could ever speak to us or about us. 

I know in whom I trust and believe and my confidence will be steadfast.

We will remain on fire, but not consumed ❤️❤️❤️

Now.

It amazes me how beautiful life has the potential to be... 

I have this vivid vision of life imprinted on my heart. Well to call it a vision implies I know what it looks like... I don't, but I know what it feels like. It's like God left an impression of what reality could be on my heart. I can feel it, I can sense it. It's like burning in my heart that there is more. More to life, more to love, more to relationships. More. And I'm on a relentless pursuit to find it.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a partial reality. Where relationships are shallow, words are empty & promises come a dime- a- dozen. Where dreams never leave the pillow & "to do's" find a permanent home on sticky notes. 

I know it's not by ill intention that things look this way... It's just that, this is all we know. It's all we've ever known & it will be all we ever know if something doesn't change soon. 

It's my hearts biggest hope and desire to trade the superficial for the supernatural. 

I want to live life in the fullest capacity possible. I want that vague sense of greatness to become my reality. I want to see life lived out to the fullest. I want my list of hopes and dreams to become my list of accomplishments. I don't want to spend my entire life sensing there is something greater yet never seeking to find the greatness. 

Today starts a new day. 

Today is a new opportunity. 

I can continue to be disabled by excuses or allow myself to be inabled by my passion. 

It's time to be set apart.

Apart from what was, in order to see all that there is. 

It's time to move forward. 

With boldness. 

With confidence. 

It's time to live a life that creates greatness all around us. 

It's time to make every dream a reality. 

Why not? 

Who said it can't happen? 

Who said it would never work? 

Who said give up? 

Who said you're not good enough?

Who said you'd never make it? 

I will not let idol words about my destiny become active in my present. 

The time is now. 

It's time for greatness. 

It's time to move on. 

It's time to move up. 

It's time to move forward. 

Not later. NOW. 

Not tomorrow. NOW. 

Not when you have more time. NOW. 

Not when the kids are older. NOW. 

Not when you have more money. NOW. 

Not when your family supports you. NOW. 

Not when things get better. NOW. 

Not when your friends understand. NOW. 

Not when people believe in you. NOW. 

Not when the time is right. NOW. 

The time is right. The time is NOW. 

Take it or leave it

I am no work out guru and in fact, I’m probably not even active enough to be considered someone who “works out”. However, over the past few weeks I’ve developed this deep desire to be strong and this desire has motivated me to get moving! I don’t necessarily know what I’m doing, but I know something is better than nothing right now. This mindset may seem silly to you, but for me this is huge! You see, I’m a weakling. My body frame is small, I have no muscle mass and it’s likely I could not do a pushup in correct form if my life depended on it.  I’ve never been one to work out and I’ve never been “in shape”, I’ve basically gotten through life being slim thanks to good genes.

Having my daughter however has left me with a new found appreciation for my body. Going through the process has increased my awareness of just how much I can handle as well as how much more I am capable of doing. With this new revelation, I’m determined to not only lose my baby weight, but get strong. Really strong. I know this is no small feat for someone like me, starting from nothing, but I’m willing to put in the work to get it done!

One of my most recent adventures involves Title Boxing Gym in Milford. This place is amazing. If you want to get strong, this is the place to go! I’ve attended two weeks in a row with a good friend of mine, first for a kickboxing class and then today for a boxing class.

Today during our boxing class, Ben (our trainer) was bouncing around the gym yelling out commands.
“Drop! Give me 20 push ups! Lets go! Let’s go! Let’s go! You came here to work?! You’re gonna work!! Let’s go! Right gab, left gab, right body, left hook!!” (His voice still haunts my thoughts!) Now as I said, I’m a small girl, but don’t get me confused with fit!! I’m what I like to call, skinny fat. Nothing about me is toned, lean or cut! I’m just skin, bones and fat so needless to say, this workout was KILLING ME. Ben would bounce around the gym coaching us on and making sure we did what he said. As the work out intensified and my body began to give, I found myself trying to copout. When he was looking at me, I would punch as hard as I could, my squats would be in perfect form and my knees would always come up to my chest for high steps. However, when he turned around, that was a different story. Once his back was to me, it was like the green light to rest, relax and take a breath or drink of water. I knew if he wasn’t looking, I wasn’t going to get reprimanded.

Smart right?! Umm.. Not so much…  There was one point in today’s class when Ben was across the room,  back towards me and I just stopped, dead dog tired and I just stared straight at the back of his head thinking, “Is he Satan? Has he come to destroy me? Right here and right now?! Am I going to die?” and then he said these words that I will never forget. “WORK! If you came here to work, WORK! You have a goal to reach? You’re only gonna get it by working hard! WORK! Don’t cheat yourself!! WORK!!”

At that moment, it hit me. Like a pound of bricks! I went there with a goal, I could slack off when he wasn’t looking, but who would that inevitably effect? Not him…  I would only be cheating myself.

That statement made we really stop and think. How often do we do the right thing when someone is looking, yet once they turn around, we’re back to the same old…? It was like God whispered to me, “It’s not what you do in public that will make a difference, it’s what you practice in private that will set you apart.”

Only a small fraction of our life is lived in the public eye. Whether it is the oversight of a trainer, teacher, leader or boss, we spend more time in our life without anyone over our shoulder holding us accountable, then we do with accountability. That being said, it can become easy to live a double life, one way when people are watching and another when they aren’t.

What we do in private is our character and what we do in public is our performance.

No one will ever know you ate that cheeseburger on your lunch break while you were fasting, no one will ever know that you walked the second lap when you should have been running, no one will ever know you skimmed through the last 4 chapters of you book instead of reading it through, no one will ever know you didn’t do the pushups when the trainer turned around.. It’s true, no one may ever know, but YOU’LL know the truth, and your character will prove it.

What kind of person do you want to be? One that puts on a good performance for the crowd or a person of genuine character, who is able to stand before any person, even oneself, and say: this is me!

I don’t want to put on a good performance for anyone, doing what people want to see when they are around but acting completely different when they are not. I want to be a woman with genuine character, authentic and unwavering. I don’t want to do what looks good when people are watching, but then cheat myself when no one is looking. I want to be consistent and confident; I want that when I look in the mirror I can unapologetically say, this is me. Take it or leave it…

 

More than just mulch

My husband and I bought our home last March and moved in shortly after we finished some updating and work around the house. Amongst many other cosmetic things, one of our projects was yard work. (And when I say “our” project I really mean HIS project, I just cheered him on from the side lines. Yard work isn’t really my thing!) 

Although we have a very nice size yard, it needed A LOT of TLC. After lots of leaf removal, grass seeds and tree trimming, we got to the final piece, THE MULCH.

I never knew how many options there were for mulch! After looking at all the possibilities Reuben and I (well mostly Reuben, he's a little more into this stuff then I am!) decided on getting the red, plastic mulch. (Yep, PLASTIC!) Reuben sold me on the plastic mulch even though it was way more expensive for two really good reasons. First, it looks better; the plastic keeps its color longer and you're able to use it year after year without that faded look to it and second it's plastic so it won't attract bugs the way wood mulch would. Once that dilemma was settled, we bought a ton of plastic mulch, fixed up the front yard, laid it out and it looked FAB. We couldn’t be happier. Now, fast forward just one year and guess what we're doing, you guessed it! Shopping for mulch….

Why you ask? Good question, I asked the same thing!! Well you see, when the spring came, up through all the mulch grass started to grow and weeds began to sprout. Now all of our bright, colorful mulch was tainted by weeds. We realized (a little late) that before putting down the mulch, the proper procedure would have been to pull up any weeds we could, then put down this plastic barrier that would stop and kill any new sprouting weeds, THEN lay the mulch. The plastic would serve as a barrier to keep any new weed growth from sprouting and as a foundation to lay down the new mulch.

It makes a lot of sense, and for the most part it’s a very straight forward process. It likely wouldn’t have taken all that much more time to do it the right way to begin with but now that we did it the wrong way, our time and effort (not to mention money spent) would all be doubled, at the least.

Now as you’re reading this one of two things is happening. One, you’re wondering why I would blog about mulch or two you’re realizing this is about more than just mulch.

How similar is this mulch scenario to many of our life struggles? We have great intentions, but in a rush to finish the job and make things “look nice” we often skip over the process completely. We have a tendency to deal with the immediate and visible exterior, skipping over the deeper, bigger issue that lies below. At first glance everything will seem ok, and typically we are left with something nice to look at (initially anyways) but it’s just a matter of time before all the old issues, problems and feelings creep back up and show their ugly face again.

Whether you realize it or not, you’ve likely been in this situation, possibly more than once. An eager desire to see immediate change leaves us with unresolved, underlying issues that will later surface and cause us double the work and effort to rectify.

In my own life I’ve seen this happen in relationships, finances, obligations or responsibilities, even emotional hurts and offenses I’ve encountered.

I thought I dealt with the situation, I thought I was over it, I thought it was rectified, but in the end I realize, I thought wrong and what I really did was place a nice cover over an ugly issue. We all know that looks can be deceiving and it’s only a matter of time before the weeds of life begin to creep back up and roar their ugly heads again.

Why is it that we are so eager to skip the process? Why is it we tend to be more concerned with the visible evidence of the issue rather than the actual source of the problem? Could it be a subconscious fear of finding out what really lies beneath? Or maybe in our own impatience we want a quick fix rather than a lasting change?

I realized something through this all, something I knew but suddenly because that much more tangible in my life. Jesus did not intend to suppress our offenses; pushing them deep down under, far enough that they wouldn’t been seen or even sensed by those around us, rather His desire is to supplement those things, removing them completely and replacing them with HIM.

I wonder how much time I could have saved, how much energy wouldn’t have been wasted or better yet, how many more seasons my “change” would have lasted had I gone to the root of the problem rather than try to quickly cover it up.

Thankfully it’s never too late to get it right, it’s never too late to stop, dig up the dirt and start the process (the complete process) all over again. It may seem difficult to face, it may seem like more work than you’re willing to commit to, but in the end you’ll be glad you did it.

No matter how bright the mulch was or how nice it looked, its beauty was eclipsed by the protruding weeds. Don’t let protrusions from your past eclipse the beauty of your present.

Find the problem, get to the root, dig it up and then place Jesus, your protective barrier, between what was and what is. He is able to be the barrier you need to seperate you from what once was and what is, as well as the foundation you need to build a new beginning.    

It’s never too late.

The Struggle

Something I’ve always struggled with is being easily influenced. Not in the sense of doing anything wrong or bad, I typically can’t be influenced to do anything I don’t want to, but I can be easily influenced emotionally.

I really try to walk through life putting my best foot forward, I try to express and carry myself in a way that that my heart and who I really am can be seen by those around me. I do my best to live a genuine, authentic and transparent life, yet sometimes it all goes down the drain. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, being misunderstood or misrepresented makes me sad. The gap between who I think I am, and how others perceive me is often big enough to bring me to tears.

Whether or not I show it, my feelings can often be hurt, words pierce my heart and at times I can find myself in the midst of much confusion simply because of a negative opinion about me. I find myself going from confident to confused rather quickly if I’m not careful. I am generally a joyful person, yet in the midst of negativity I can sometimes find myself negative by association.

I’ve searched high and low for a solution on how to stop this. I don’t want my outlook of myself to be eclipsed by the opinions of others, but the more I search for HOW, I feel God redirecting me to why.

Why do I feel like this? Why is it that time after time I allow the opinions of others to change my own opinion of myself?

The answer I found? I’ve elevated the words and opinions of others over the infallible word of God and His truth about me. At some point my focus has been lost and my attention has been redirected.

Sometimes the loud opinions of others can muffle the still small voice of God, especially if you’re not close enough to Him to hear His whisper. I’ve realized if I want to keep God’s truth about me close to my heart, I must keep my ear close to His lips and that require intimacy.

God is my creator and He knows me better than I know myself. No one knows how the iPhone functions better than Apple. No one can ever understand its features, capabilities, strengths or weaknesses the way Apple can. Likewise I’ve realized, no one will ever understand my features, my strengths, my weakness, my heart, my soul the way my creator does. That doesn’t mean no one will EVER understand me or that relationships aren’t necessary, it just means that the most meaningful relationships in my life will start with my creator.

I believe a genuine love for myself and others, will come with a genuine love and understanding of God. It’s impossible to love the creator and hate the creation. Maybe I have been a litter distracted, maybe my attention has been misdirected, but it’s never too late to refocus.

My heart and mind is focused on my creator, everything else will flow from that…..

Nothing will ever be the same..

Being a new mom I'm living in what will probably be the most ever changing point of my life. Everyday brings a new challenge, a new adjustment and new excitement.

I realize more and more that things will never be the same. The way I sleep will never be the same, the way I eat will never be the same, the way I shower or get ready for the day will never be the same, the way my husband and I interact and spend time together, that's never going to be the same.

It's a lot to take in. Although I spent 9 months thinking about,  preparing and anxiously awaiting this moment, up until now having a baby was limited to a thought and a baby bump. Then, in one instant (or in my case 48 hours) everything changes. Labor happens, the delivery follows and suddenly everything I knew was gone and the exciting, yet scary beginning of an entirely new world began. Everything is different and nothing will ever be the same again.

I've found in the past 5 weeks that a key component to my successful adjustment is to realize and embracing that fact; no matter how much I resist, nothing will every be the same again. It sounds so drastic right? Possibly but I think sometimes our biggest obstacle when facing change is the fact that rather than calling it what it is and embracing it, we fight against it with a desperate attempt to get things "back to the way they were".

It's not that "what they were" is somehow better than what they are now, but it's familiar and sometimes familiar feels better than the unknown. Familiar is safe, predictable and overcomeable (I realize that's not a real word but it works!) Familiar gives us a sense of security.

Everyday when I get out of the shower I see a very new and very different body in front of me. A little heavier, a little stretched and a little fragile as I recover from my cesarean, I see a body that is very unfamiliar to me. When I get ready, I have the new challenge of juggling an infant, diapers & feeding with makeup, dresses & blow drying. When I leave the house, I no longer "grab and go", now I must prepare, plan and pack for not just myself but my daughter. When I'm out, I no longer take my sweet time, but now my daughters feeding schedule is the deciding factor for what, where, when and how long. When I'm home, my daily tasks like cleaning and cooking look different. I could throw in the towel for both, feeling completely justified as I take care of a very clingy, very needy infant but I like to clean and I like to cook so I make it work. My "me time" writing, reading or blogging now looks very different (hence the reason it's 4am and I'm writing this entry). Most impacted; quality time with my husband. This too is now very different. Date night is no longer spontaneous and frequent, the rare occasion of sleeping in together is now obsolete and the time and love that was once exclusive to one another is now shared with our most perfect princess Savannah.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change this for the world. Nothing, I mean NOTHING is the same, yet somehow, it's perfect.

I've realized the key to my success in adjusting to my new life as a mother it to realize and except things are different, and they will always be different from this point forward. Nothing will be the same again, I can never go back to "the way things use to be" and that's ok. Embracing my new life and all the changes that come with it is key to fulfillment and satisfaction in this season.

Too many times rather than embracing change, working with what we have and building from where we are, we focus on how things use to be and allow ourself to become consumed with getting back to "that place" rather than embracing where we are now.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life saying "remember when" rather I want to embrace the present and live for this moment and this season that I'm in. I know once I get adjusted, even this familiarity will only last so long, and then once again, everything will change, and that's ok.

Maybe you aren't a new mom, but maybe you find yourself in a very different season of life. Maybe your recently unemployed, newly married, fresh out of school, whatever it may be, you find this new and different place to be scary and intimidating. That's normal, we all feel this way sometimes, but I would challenge you that you'll never completely enjoy your life and maximize this moment unless you accept the new, say farewell to the old and realize nothing will ever be the same and that is ok.

True love that is liberating not limiting...

This year, 2013, marks one decade of love and learning (or should I say, learning to love) with my husband & best friend, Reuben. We starting dating when I was a young and dumb 16 year old, we were married 5 years later when I was 21 and this October we celebrate 5 wonderful years of marriage.

When I look back on our relationship I can't help but be amazed by the evolution. For anyone who knows us, you know our relationship has been far from perfect & outright unhealthy at times. I thank God though that over the last few years our love for eachother has grown, matured and continues to flourish day by day.

When I think about where we've been and where we are now, I know that it has been God all along, working behind the scenes, teaching us how to love Him, ourselves and eachother.

I can't say that I have a perfect marriage, I don't. No one does but I do know that everyday I wake up next to him, I'm thankful and overwhelmed with joy about how far we've come, and what still lies ahead.

But like I said, it wasn't always like this... I know that the turning point for us has been committing our lives to God. Learning how God loves us, and learning how to love God has helped us to love eachother. As cliche as it sounds, the closer we've gotten to God, the closer we've gotten to eachother.

I think it's safe to say we've learned a lot, but above everything, the one thing I hold close to my heart and try to apply to my marriage daily is this:

God's love is liberating not limiting.

When I look at the most pure and true example of love, I see a love that is not only selfless, it's liberating. It always encourages, lifts and promotes growth.

I think many times frustration and strife will enter into a marriage through the limitations that are unjustly set for either partner. We look at marriage as a list of "you cant's" rather than an ocean of opportunities that say "WE CAN".

From the example God has given me, I see that true love is liberating not limiting. Now please don't get me confused, I believe in boundaries and compromise, both are healthy and necessary attributes for a marriage but I don't believe that marriage was intended to lock your spouse down and demand that they conform to what YOU desire them to be, rather than allowing them to become who GOD intends them to be.

Not long before I gave birth to my daughter I was asked, if you have Savannah Saturday, where will Reuben be Sunday morning, my response: "Church". To some people the thought of my husband going to church shortly after I give birth sounds crazy, possibly even inconsiderate but for us, it works. I know where my husbands heart is, I'm confident in his judgement and I know he would never leave us if we wouldn't be ok without him. I also know what is important to him and I do my best to make what matters to him, matter to me. Again, to each their own, but it works for us.

I love my husband and it makes me happy to see him happy. It makes me proud to see him work hard at something he loves and see his hard work turn into success. There is nothing I want more than to see him develop into the man that God desires him to be and when there is a way for me to encourage, support or motivate him, I will do it because I'm committed to his success.

Marriage is far from easy and any married person will tell you that everyday can be a challenge. Each day will bring new opportunity to become bitter or better. Marriage will never be picture perfect like a Disney fairy tale but I believe with all my heart following the lead of the one who IS love will lead you to true love with your partner. A love that is liberating, not limiting.

You too are loved..

It's amazing how quickly time passes us by. To think just one short week ago I was sitting in the hospital with my little one, staring intently at her, in awe and wonder of her beauty.

Reuben had left for church, the room was quiet and I just sat on my hospital bed staring at Savannah, admiring every last detail of her.

"Savannah, I love you so much!" I said with tears welded up in my eyes.

"You are amazing. You are gorgeous in every way! Savannah you came OUT OF ME! You are a special piece of me. I hope you get everything that is good from me, and bypass all the bad. Savannah, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you! To keep you safe. To keep you happy and healthy. I promise you baby, no harm will come your way as long as I can help it! You are a treasure, straight from heaven & I will always hold you close and dear to my heart. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me love you any more or any less. My love for you is limitless and unconditional. You have my heart baby girl and that will never, ever change."

Tears running down my face it suddenly made sense.

God loves me.

He really, really loves ME. It felt as if during that time I spoke over my daughter, God began to speak the same words of affirmation over me. In that moment, as close as she felt to me, I felt to God. I knew that He held me close, and sustained me in every way necessary.

Years of church, loving God and knowing He loved me suddenly made more sense than it ever had before.

GOD LOVES ME!!!  Not because of what I have or haven't done, not because I love Him or because He has to, He loves me just because I am His. I am a piece of HIM! 

As I looked at my daughter, I felt such an overwhelming feeling, I literally felt swaddled in love. The new found love for my daughter as well as this revelation of God's love for me rushed through me, over taking and filling every last empty part of me.

It's hard to understand this love.. Even as I look at her, I think of my husband and how many years it took for us to truly, love each other the "right way", I think of all the people I've encountered whom I wanted to love, or should love, but just couldn't. Love hasn't always come easy for me. It was something I knew but at times, the reality escaped me. And now, suddenly, in a split second, it made more sense then it ever had before!!

It's amazing how one moment, one touch, one look, one encounter could change all of that. In one single instant, it all made sense.

 

I feel like with this revelation, another piece of heaven has opened up over my life. I am now not only aware, but  convinced that God's love for me is like no other love I will ever know. It is real, tangible, unearnable and irrevocable.

I am His. And He is mine.

It is my hope and prayer that in someway, God's love for you will be exposed in a real, tangible way as well. Maybe you have children, and you can relate to this, maybe you don't. Either way, I know that God is big enough to meet you in this moment, in the exact way you need Him to and speak to your heart in a way that will make sense to you, just to show you that you too are loved. You too are cherished. You too hold a piece of God's heart within you that He will always love and hold dear.

You too are loved.

Straight Ahead

As I was sitting in my hospital room today, a storm began to roll in. I was looking out the window and suddenly the clear blue sky was being taken over by the storm coming in from the right.

I took like 20 pictures, trying to capture the beauty of this moment & as I snapped away all I could hear in my heart was "Do not look to the left or to the right, but fix your eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of your faith."

My heart literally smiled. This illustration reminded of how crazy and unpredictable life can be. One moment it's sunshine & butterflies, and the next, it's storm clouds & thunder...

It reminded me of the power of perspective and the importance of looking at situations from a distance, across it's entirety, rather then close up with limitations.

If I looked out of my window to the left I would have see nothing but clear skies and sunshine, if I looked out to the right, I would have only seen storm clouds and darkness falling over the city. Although both perspectives were technically true depending on where you stood, neither would give me a completely accurate evaluation of what was happening.

It reminded me of life. How many times do we look to the left or to the right & whether what we see is good or bad, we still only see a portion of the perspective.

Looking straight out my window I thought to myself, there will be good days, and there will be bad days, but the most important thing is that I look forward, straight ahead, always knowing the Son in right in the middle of the two. Jesus brings me balance. Jesus brings me joy in the good days and positive perspective for the bad days.

As easy as it might be to look to either side, my heart it set heavenward, looking straight ahead to the one who is the author AND finisher of my faith, Jesus.

Let your eyes look right on [with fixed purpose], and let your gaze be straight before you. Consider well the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established and ordered aright. Turn not aside to the right hand or to the left; remove your foot from evil.
Proverbs 4:25-27

Surely...

Most days I wake up and literally can't believe this is my life.. I feel so thankful and blessed for everything around me. Grateful for how God has transformed my life and grateful that He has made the little I had into something more beautiful than I could have ever hoped for or imaged.

 

I look at my growing belly, past the itchy stretch marks, heaviness and discomfort I see the most precious gift I could ever be given. The gift of life. I wonder how God could have found me fit or suitable enough to place this miracle within me. I wonder how I could be so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He is so talented, supportive, caring and considerate. He's given me a sense of stability and structure that my heart has always longed for, knowing that he is always in my corner, rooting me on has given me such confidence to pursue my dreams, words can not even describe how thankful I am for him. I wake up every day in such a beautiful home, a wonderful job, fabulous friends and family. Most times, I don't understand how I can be SO blessed.

 

I know that it's not because of anything I've done. I know that I could never do enough to make myself worthy of all that God has blessed me with. I realize that it's by His grace alone I'm able to have more than I deserve.

 

When I stop and think about grace, a very simple picture comes to mind.. (if you know me, you know I need an illustration for everything!) I envision myself, standing, looking towards the heavens at all of God's goodness and glory, His love and mercy, and it just seems so far from me, close enough to see it and yearn for it but too far to touch it! And then I see grace. I believe grace is the substance that bridges the gap from where I am to where God is. Grace fills in everything that I can't. It makes a way to a destination that would otherwise be impossible to reach. It makes the impossible, possible.

 

With all that I have, I still wake up every morning knowing that there is so much more to come. I turn over and see the most amazing man I know laying by my side (in case you didn't know, I think my husband is absolutely wonderful and I'll never stop saying it), my daughter flipping in my belly and I think "wow, could it get any better?".. 

 

Something inside of me always whispers, "Yes. It can and it will".

 

Now, I don't say this to brag, or because I'm arrogant or conceited. I don't even say it because my life is perfect or because I have no lack or struggle, that's not the truth either. I say this because I can look across the balance of my life, the good and the bad, and still know that each portion is a blessing, not a burden. I'm a woman who chooses to talk about my joys and not my struggles, my hope and not my fears, my future and not my failures. If that is offensive, that's unfortunate.

 

As my pregnancy comes to an end I'm filled with excitement and anticipation about the newest addition to our family. Filled with awe and wonder, I think what will it be like? Will I be a good mother? Will my husband and I provide for our daughter? Will we lead and direct her in the ways that she should go? Will I be a good example of a Christian women? Will my relationship with God be something she is attracted to or will she try to deflect God because of my example? Will my marriage remain stable and strong? Will my house stay in order? Will I still be able to write? Can I possibly be as active in ministry as I believe I'm called to be WHILE raising a child? Will I be the mother my daughter deserves?

 

As all these questions run through my mind, I can honestly say, I don't have much of an answer for any of them. I really don't know what things will be like, I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where this road will take me. I can see where I am, I can see where I'm going, but the road to get there is still a blur.. In the midst of all the confusion, there is one thing that rings in my heart, loud and clear, the one thing that keeps me confident, the still, small voice that whispers:  

 

"Surely there is enough grace." 

 

I realize that before I was a wife, a leader, a teacher, a writer, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt, an employee before I was any of these things, I was simply: Daughter

 

Realizing that being a Daughter to the Father is what I was first called to do, and being His Daughter will be my only eternal title, brings me peace that no matter what other "titles" I hold in between, Daughter came first and Daughter will be last. I may not know exactly what this journey will look like but I know that grace will bridge the gap of where I am, and where I need to go.

 

Maybe this life is impossible, maybe I do have unrealistic expectations OR maybe, just MAYBE I have come to the realization that with man it may be impossible, but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

 

As I enter into this new chapter of life I'm convinced I will find success and balance, peace and joy. My prayer each day is "Not by my strength, but by YOUR grace." and surely, there is enough grace..........

Inward

It amazes me how much time we can spend fixated on others. Focusing on what someone else does or does do, says and does not say. It's almost like a subconscious habit to critique others, whether verbally or mentally.

Over time I've realized something though, you can only do YOUR part. You can encourage, direct or lead others but the bottom line is you can't do THEIR part.

Separately, nothing can justify YOU not doing what YOU are suppose to. If you KNOW what you ought to do, do it.. Otherwise you are living in sin.

(Remember, it is sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. James 4:17)

I think the devil specifically puts thoughts & feelings towards others in our mind and makes THEIR faults so evident to us for one simple reason- we can't change others. The devil knows the longer we remain fixated on THEM, our eyes are off of Jesus & we can no long strive for perfection when we are so fixated on an imperfect vessel.

Our minds get so perplexed when we don't understand people or their choices and it throws us off track because we become so fixated on other peoples flaws we forget to look in our own mirror. Even the bible tells us we all fall short, so why are we so surprised? The fact that along with those around us, we too fall short sometimes should make it that much easier to look past the petty & look into the potential.

We need to constantly be looking at OUR actions and OUR attitudes in relation to God and His word because then, and only then can we truly see where we stand in this christian walk.

One of my favorite scriptures on this topic is Psalm 139:23- 24

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

If you compare yourself to others, you will always "feel" as if "you aren't SO bad" or maybe you wont feel "good enough", whatever the case may be, it's an inaccurate measure of your self worth. The only way to "measure up" to another with accuracy is to compare yourself to Jesus, the one and only comparison of what TRUE love is, what TRUE obedience is, what TRUE faith is and what TRUE trust in God looks like. THEN you will see an honest & accurate measure if where you are and where you need to be...

This isn't something that will come natural, since childhood we have compared and contrasted ourselves to those around us. It will take time, effort, commitment and most of all discipline, but the transformation will be worth it.

The one thing I ask of the LORD— the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
delighting in the LORD’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple. Psalm 27:4

I'm making the decision to look to JESUS. To SEEK out truth, to SEEK out direction and insight to SEEK out wisdom and understanding to SEEK out the Christ like character that's hidden within.

Definition of SEEK:

1. To resort to: go to
2. To go in search of: look for: try to discover
3. To ask for: REQUEST
4. To try to acquire or gain; aim at.

SEEK is a VERB and if you remember from elementary school, a verb is an ACTION word. It's going to take ACTION on our part if this is TRULY the desire of our heart.

There are many people who think they KNOW the way, but JESUS IS THE WAY. If you aren't always looking to the one way of life, you'll inevitably slip, fall and stubble into a place you'd rather not be.

Fix your eyes on Jesus. Don't look to the left or to the right, don't allow the short comings of another become your stumbling block. You have one life to live, give it the best you possibly can and forget about everything else!!

Next time I face a difficult person or situation that I don't understand, I've made up in my mind that before I judge or criticize I will look inward to my own heart and then upward to God's heart. Then and only then will I find true direction or peace.

Focus Forward

Many people will live stuck in stagnation, or even worse regression simply because they can never fix their focus FORWARD. Many times in life we claim to be moving in one direction, but our bodies and words are faced the opposite way. How can this be?

Let’s look at this logically... Can darkness and light ever co- exist? Of course not. Where there is light, darkness has no place. Is it really possible to look at two opposite things at the same time? Or will your attention always be on one while your back is to the other?

How will you ever know who you are destined to be if you’re always focused on who you’re not?

How will you ever appreciate what you have if you’re always fixated on all you want?

How will you see where you’re going if you are always faced in the direction of where you’ve been?

How can your life be filled with peace if you’re always focused on strife?

How can you love on the outside if you hate on the inside?

Your life will always go in the direction that you face.  Can you ever really move forward while facing backwards?

My purpose isn’t to ask a bunch of question that leave you confused, rather my hope is it prompts a curiosity deep within to evaluate your focal point. What are you looking at? What do you focus on? Is that the direction you desire your life to head into?

Ultimately you and you alone are responsible for the direction of your thoughts, words and life. You choose. Which way will you go?

A New View

My husband & I don't watch much television, but when we do, one of the shows we like to watch is "Southland", a police show based out of LA. Although it's not a "reality show", it's interesting in the sense that every day is something different and it seems to capture the "behind the scenes" of a day in the life of a police officer.

The last couple of episodes leading up to the season finale were pretty intense. Two of the police officers were kidnapped by two drug addicts, held captive, tortured & inevitably one was left for dead while the other managed to get away.

After this traumatizing experience the police officer who made it out was under psychological care, trying to help him deal with what had happened. Needless to say, it didn't help... One day one of his fellow police officers asked him to recap the night, was there anything that he could remember, he said no & she said this: “Try something new, don't be in it, be above it & then tell me if you can see anything new. Like as if you were in a helicopter hovering over, what would you see from the different perspective”

Now, that might not seem too profound or theological to you, but to me, those words instantly pierced my heart and opened my eyes to an entirely different perspective. It made me realize how much of my life is viewed from a limited angle. Not that it’s necessarily wrong, but it doesn’t maximize my view. Instead, it leaves me seeing just what is before me right now, whatever it is in the forefront of life for that moment, that’s what I see.

I realized how important it is to sometimes stand up, step back and look at life from a different perspective. I would imagine if you began to look at some of your own current situations that may be holding you back, stressing you out or over whelming you, from a completely different perspective, you might see a completely different situation.

Sometimes it’s not about just seeing what stands before you, but looking from a distance and seeing “it” in relation to the much bigger picture. This could go for every area of life if you’d be bold enough to apply it.

Here are some common scenarios that many of us deal with on a regular basis.

-       Sick of your co- workers? Unemployment is at an all-time high, be grateful you have a job that so many others search diligently for everyday with no avail.

-       Your children are giving you a hard time? Think of all the women around the word that have lost their little ones or women who cannot bear children at all.

-       Overwhelmed with household responsibilities? Take a trip to the nearest shelter, I wonder what any one of those men or women would do to have what you call your “burden”.

-       Your spouse is getting on your nerves? How about all the men and women who have prematurely and unexpectedly loss their loved one, I bet they would give anything to spend one more day, even the worst of days with their spouse.

-       Bills overwhelming you? How about the fact you have a reason to be billed, more than many people can say. How many people DON’T have running water, a warm home, food on the table, cell phones in their pockets, clothes on their back or even a roof over their head.

The list could literally go on and on, but these are just a few. You can call me dramatic, or you can realize that your biggest “burden” is a blessing that has been inaccurately assessed.

There are people all over the world who would give ANYTHING to have what we have, we are blessed beyond belief and yet we find the burden in everything.

How about we stand up, step back and look at life from a different perspective. Maybe it’s not so bad after all?   

There is an indescribable joy that comes from a grateful heart. Jealousy, envy, bitterness, resentment, anger or ungratefulness is a CANCER to your body and soul. It will make you sick and bring you down.

I wonder what it would look like if we actually practiced, on purpose the art of being grateful.