Becoming

Have you ever been in a relationship that left you feeling disappointed?  Used? Unsatisfied? Hurt? Mistreated? Forgotten? Left out? Under- appreciated? Un-noticed? Judged? Or misused?

Maybe this stems from a parent who abandoned you, a sibling who rejected you, friends who disappointed you, a spouse that violated your trust or family members who felt more like strangers. Although this might look different for many of us, the reality is, we've all experienced relational disappointment at some time in our life. It's that soul crushing experience that leaves our expectations unfulfilled and our hearts broken and  half empty. 

I've realized in the last several months that one of my biggest struggles has come from expecting far more from others then they were willing {or capable} of giving and because of this I've found myself stuck in the darkness of relational disappointment.

'I thought they would understand.' 

'I thought they would have support me.' 

'I  thought they would have been there for me.' 

'I  thought they were dependable'

'I thought they were loyal' 

'I thought they were a Christian!'

'I thought they could be trusted'

My list could go on forever, and your list might look different but these are a few from my own personal experiences. 

I love deeply, I'm loyal and I give my whole heart and mind to things and people regularly. My general expectation is that others would meet that same need for me and the standard would be reciprocated but far too often the reality has been something totally different and at times the results have been earth shattering to me.

My list of ‘I thought' quickly turned into phrases like;

‘I should have known better’

‘They’re all the same’

‘I knew it’

‘How could I have been so stupid’

‘This is why I don’t let people in’

And so on and so on. Feelings of brokenness, regret and frustration overtake my mind and cloud my judgment. Before I know it, I’m surrounded by a sea of ‘should have, could have, would have's [&] 'they will never fool me twice’ thoughts.

Unfortunately relational disappointment is real and no matter how awesome a person is, they are still just human and they will disappoint you. The key is getting through this disappointment better, not bitter.

Through the brokenness, through the emptiness, through the hurt and through the pain I have realized that maybe, just maybe the 'friend' I was searching for, the relationship I was missing isn't actually missing at all. Maybe what I'm looking for is just hidden within me. Maybe the longing I had was really a longing to see the woman deep within me revealed. Maybe the disappointment that I faced wasn't because of what others couldn't be, but rather an underlying feeling of what I should be and couldn’t seem to express. 

Could it be that the friend I've been looking for all this time was hidden deep within me?.. 

Could it be that what I was looking in others was actually nestled deep within my own soul?..

The person who loves and encourages me, the one who motivates and inspires me, the one who sees the best in me and pulls it out. The person who is trust worthy, faithful and kind, fierce and strong, wise and courageous. Could it be that that person is within me, waiting to be discovered?

The world needs more love, more joy, more hope, more peace, more encouragement, more inspiration, more consistency. Could it be that you are the very expression of those things that this world is missing?

After countless disappointment and endless frustration, I realized something. If I couldn't find her, I would be become her.

I would be the very expression of all things lovely that I desperately wanted to see within my friends, my family and my community. I would wait no longer to find it, I would simply be it.

While I am waiting, so is the world... I couldn't find her, so I became her. 

She is...

Lately I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed and slightly stressed about life. I’ve been thinking about all the things I need to do (or should stop doing), my personal ‘to do’ list has become a ‘to dread’ list and I’ve just been feeling different. Things that shouldn’t bother me, do and things that use to bring me joy, don’t. I began to reflect on a blog I wrote called Surely shortly before my first daughter was born. The Lord had strengthened me and enlarged my faith so much through that post, but today, I didn’t feel as strong as I did in that season.

Knowing that God is the same, I can admit the only difference between then and now must be hidden within me. Acknowledging that and realizing that these feelings and my perspective would take my life in a direction I did not intend to go, I’ve decided to make a very conscious decision to start my days earlier and fix my focus before life fixes it for me.

For me this process has been waking up before my daughters and having my first cup of coffee with Jesus. In the peaceful, quiet, stillness of my home I’ve been intentional about fixing my heart and mind heavenward before life gave me an opportunity to do otherwise.

This particular morning I decided to go back to the good and faithful Proverbs 31 woman. I love this piece of scripture because it embodies a woman that I do not yet know personally, yet my heart feels close to her. She inspires so many women and yet in her day to day duties, she probably had no idea anyone was watching her, let alone that people would be talking about her all this time later.

As I read, I began to write;

-          She is valuable

-          She lacks nothing

-          She is consistent

-          She is wise

-          She is an investor

-          She helps others

-          She is considerate and compassionate

-          She is a hard worker

-          She is resourceful

-          She is business savvy

-          She is diligent

-          She is prepared

-          She faces life like a boss

-          She gets her hands dirty

-          She is brave

-          She is wise

-          She is well articulated

-          She is fearless

-          She is resourceful

-          She likes beautiful things

-          She brings honor to her husband

-          She represents the Lord well

-          She takes care of others

-          She also takes care of herself

-          She is confident

-          She fills her life with things that have purpose

-          She is authentic

-          She is loved

-          She is honored

-          She is rewarded

-          Because she fears the Lord, she fears nothing else.  

When I came to the end of the passage I felt the Lord whisper to my heart ‘Look at all that she is. There is no mention of what she is not’.

For me this subtle whisper gave me hope, gave me peace and gave me permission to exhale. I am constantly fixated on growth and progress which means often times I can fixate on what I’m not, what I need to fix and where I’m lacking. Yet here I read scripture after scripture not about what she doesn’t do, but rather all about what she does do.

This passage focuses on the strengths, not shortcomings.

I’m reminded this morning to focus on what I can do, what I should do, who I am, who I will one day be, and not on everything I’m not.

This women wasn’t perfect, she couldn’t have been, none of us are but she focused on the right things at the right time and because of that, she was successful. She knew whom she served and because of that, she knew who she was. Did she face confusion? Insecurities? Doubt? I’m sure but unlike many of us, it’s likely that she faced it and moved on. Those things may have been a speed bump on her journey, but they surely would not become a road block. She got over it, she moved on, and she focuses on important things, fruitful things an d because of that, she is a hero to women who never even knew her.

Today I’m encouraged to face ‘it’ but to move on. I hope you are too.

Proudest Moment #bloggerchallenge #day11

There are a few moments in my life that I look back and I’m like ‘Wow, I can’t believe I did that’. Giving birth to my children, going back to school and being ordained, to name a few. However, the one moment that I am the most proud of has to be my wedding day.

For those of you who know my husband and I, you know part of our story and the years leading up to our marriage. For those of you who don’t, I will keep it short and sweet by saying we are high school sweethearts and we’ve been through a lot {and I mean, A LOT}  together.

Leading up to our wedding we had drastically changed our lifestyles and we were committed to one another in a way we had never experienced before. After a whirl wind romance and 24 hour engagement {you can read more about this story here; My Best Yes } my husband and I got married.

I remember knowing that this was the biggest decision I would ever make. I believe that your spouse has the power to add value to your life or take it away. They will either build you up or tear you down. They will lead you into the fullness of your destiny or they will drag you away. I was young, but I was not naive to the repercussions of saying ‘yes’ at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons, to the wrong person but deep in my soul, I knew this was right.

My husband asked me to trust him and I did and I still do. Walking down that aisle to meet him at the other end was probably the best moment of my life. Marrying him opened my heart in a way I never knew possible, he has encouraged me and inspired me to be the best  ‘me’ I could ever be, he’s made me a mother and he’s opened my love for him in a new way because of the way he loves our daughters.

I’m not sure that there is any decision I’ve ever made that compares to this one. He was and still is my best yes. I’m so incredibly thankful for the home and family we’ve built together. I wake up daily wondering how this could be my real life, how could I be so blessed?

There were people who thought we shouldn’t get married, that we were too young, that it was too fast or others who thought this shot gun marriage was to cover up an unexpected pregnancy, all of which was wrong.

My proudest moment was looking past all of that. Every naysayer, every opinion, every statistic and believing in love;  genuine love.

I’m so thankful for my husband. I can’t imagine my life without him. He has been amazing to me and he’s a superhero to our daughters. He is my most proud moment, that day, today and every day!

First Celebrity Crush #bloggerchallenge #day10

This is tough and I think it's a tie between JTT from Home Improvement and Will Smith from Fresh Prince of Bel- Air. I had a huge crush on both of these guys growing up. Oh and possibly Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell!

Now, I'm kind of meh about all three. It's crazy how your feelings change overtime!

Piercings and Tattoos #bloggerchallenge #day9

Piercings and Tattoos!

I am not completely boring, I actually have one of each. I got my belly button pierced when I was 16. That was .... painful! But I really wanted it, so it was totally worth it. Now over a decade later, I still have it!

Secondly, I have a tattoo of a cross on the inside of my left ankle. I love it. I wanted it for the longest time but since I have a commitment issue, I was totally afraid of getting it. I literally drew a black cross on my ankle for weeks, almost months, on my ankle every single day until finally I was like OK I really want this. When I got it done, it was semi painful, but more annoying then anything. It didn't take too long but I honestly couldn't have sat much longer.

Now, I really want a couple more (3 to be exact) but I'll wait on it a bit until I decide for sure.. .We shall see!

Old Photo of Me #bloggerchallenge #day8

Because these pictures line up with some of my previous posts, here goes!!!

I told you I love food!! This is me, killing cake. Like a boss.... LOL Now I know where my girlies get it from.

 

Maybe this is where my dreams of working for the DEA or SVU started. My 'Uncle Tom' was a Norwalk Detective when I was a kid... I believe this was Halloween and I traded my Tiger outfit for his. 

This is me and my grandparents (from my Dad's side) on my birthday. This was basically EVERY birthday, cake, balloons and PICTURES!

My 10 Favorite Foods #bloggerchallenge #day7

I just have to say, the following post will explain why I will never have a 6- pack.. I LOVE FOOD. Here are my top ten choices!

1.       NACHOS. But not just any nachos, NACHO NIGHT NACHOS, covered in bacon grease. YUM.

2.       French toast. Regular French toast OR French toast bagels, muffins or toast (like cinnamon swirl).. I just love french toast.

3.       PASTA. I love pasta. Particularly aioli or alla vodka.

4.       Beverly’s Pizza. I really love all pizza, and I don’t discriminate but this is a list of FAVORITES.

5.       Mac and Cheese bites!!

6.       Buffalo wings, tenders and/ or dip. I love buffalo style stuff!

7.       Monfongo. My favvvvvvvvvvvvvvorite Spanish food.

8.       Avocado. This isn’t really a food, it’s more of a side but I put it on the side of basically everything. OR guacamole.

9.       LOADED anything. Baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc. Anything covered with cheese and bacon with ranch dipping sauce is heavenly.

10.   Burgers. But not just any burger, a good, juicy burger cooked med- rare (if it’s well done I’m not into that) I ate my first burger in life {EVER} about two years ago, and now I’m a believer.

I’m pretty sure this isn’t everything.. I didn’t add hibachi noodles, cake pops, baked mac and cheese, empanadas, cones, butter popcorn or coffee… But I guess that’s technically a drink.