Are You Really Laughing?

I spent this past Thanksgiving at my sister-in- law’s house. Some of my husband’s family was there as well as her fiancés family. It was a great time just hanging out and getting to know new people while spending quality time with family. 

At one point in the night I was sitting in the middle seat of the sofa with my daughter, my husband on one side and a young man on the other. The young man was clearly texting back and forth (to who, I don’t know) but at one point I glanced over and saw his response to a message… He simply typed in the “laughing face” emoji. Like 5 of them. As I looked up, I couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t have even the slightest smirk on his face! Not even a grin. Yet, he managed to text the exact opposite. 

He lied. 

He wasn’t “laughing out loud” or “laughing his butt off”, he was actually sitting straight faced and bored. 

What is my point? 

In our society, we are constantly given an opportunity to share one image while privately being something else. There’s always an opportunity to “LOL” when you’re not laughing or say “Awww…” when you really don’t care. We can pretty much say anything, while feeling and/ or doing the opposite. 

The fight to authenticity and transparency is an uphill battle. It’s become way too easy to live a filtered persona behind a computer screen or handheld device. Where is the authenticity? Where is the integrity? Where is the transparency? It’s there; we just need to be that much more diligent in seeking it out. 

I was in the car home from the same trip and a series of thoughts crossed my mind, as if the Holy Spirit was prompting me to do a little soul searching myself. 

“What if everything you thought privately was said publicly?”

“What if your thoughts and words became a movie to play out for all those around you?”

“What if your personal life became public?” 

“Would you be OK with that?”

“Would you be embarrassed?” 

“Would you be ashamed?”

“Would you be in trouble?”

“Or would you be content with this exposure?”

“Would your audience see the same person you portray yourself to be?”

 

The truth is, everything we do privately is seen.

Everything we say is heard.

The person we are behind closed doors isn’t a secret.

God sees us. He hears us. He knows us. 

After all this, I prayed, “God teach me to live with authenticity and transparency in a filtered world.” 

I really don’t want to live a life that LOOKS good on paper, on the small screen, on social media, on the alter, on whatever platform is currently available to me, I want to live a life that FEELS good on the inside because I KNOW it is pleasing to my first audience, God. 

I don’t know if any of this rings truth in your ears, but I wanted to share this experience with you in order to spark something in you, as it was sparked in me. There’s nothing better than living in the freedom Christ died for. We are free from sin, free from death, free from shame, free from condemnation and we are also free to be our authentic self, the person God created us to be. There’s no need to live filtered and edited when God has already called us His masterpiece. 

I’ve heard my pastor say before, “God can’t bless who you pretend to be”. We all have issues, we all have problems, and we all have struggles. Being brave enough to accept those things for what they are is the first step in allowing God use those very things to become who we are meant to be. An unfiltered, unedited son or daughter of the Most High who is fearless and relentless in their pursuit of purpose and freedom.

Say what you mean, mean what you say. Let your authenticity as a Christian attract attention to Christ.

My Best Yes

Seven years ago today my life changed forever.

I woke up like any other day, to the sound of “Amazed” by Lonestar on the radio alarm. I went to work at my first job, planning to work at my second job right after. It was a regular Friday, or so I thought.

 After talking with my sister-in- law that afternoon I knew my second job wasn’t an option.

“I’m preaching!” She said. “I really want you to be there, I’m really excited about this message.” She added. “And besides that, it’s Reuben’s first night playing the drums. I’m sure he would love for you to be there.”

Later I got a call from my best friend, “What are you doing tonight? I want to come to church with you.” The story was; her and her boyfriend were fighting and she wanted to get away. I still don’t know if that was even remotely true, but in the moment I thought “SURE. I would love for you to come with me!!”

My parents and brother wanted to join us as well; they wanted to see Reuben play the drums for the first time. How could I say no? This would be a family affair and a night to remember..

Just like that, I swapped shifts and I was getting ready for Friday night youth service. I didn’t go to many of these, being a waitress meant I worked Friday and Saturday nights, after working my regular office job during the weekdays. But tonight seemed different, so I went for it.

The service ended and the Pastor called us up “Reuben and Lori will be traveling this weekend, let’s pray for traveling graces.” With every head bowed and every eye closed (or so I thought) we prayed. Then, as I opened my eyes there he was; on one knee, box opened, ring shinning.

"Will you marry me?” He said.

“YES!” I exclaimed.

Camera flashes going off all over the sanctuary, clapping, cheering; a roar of excitement irrupted in the sanctuary. We had been high school sweet hearts and had the spent the last 5 years together. We had loved each other, hated each other, laughed, cried, grew and matured and now we stood there, as adults ready to make the biggest decision of our lives.

He hugged me as tight as he could, and as he held me as close as I could get, and then he whispered; “The real question is, will you marry me tomorrow?”

“WHAT?!” I said abruptly.

I think he could see the panic in my face and the concern in my voice. Before I could utter another word he said “Just trust me. I promise, everything will be ok.”

And just like that, I said yes. Again.

Less than 24 hours later I was ready to walk down an aisle I did not lay down, in a sanctuary I did not decorate, surrounded by people I did not invite, in a wedding dress I did not buy, to meet my soon to be husband at the end of an aisle where we would begin the rest of our lives together.

Now, if you know me you know I’m a planner and never in my wildest dreams would I expect to get married, with a less than 24 hour engagement and a ceremony and reception I had nothing to do with planning, and yet, here I was. Standing in a church where the sanctuary was decorated, the room was packed; I had a wedding cake, flower girls, food, a dress, a bouquet. I had everything we needed for a wedding and I didn’t have a single thing to do with it.

I walked down the aisle with my father where I met my husband, brother, mother and soon to be brother- in- law (who married us, his FIRST wedding ever!!) We said our I Do’s and that was it!

We were married.

I thought that day getting married was my best yes, my craziest yes, my scariest yes and the most important yes of my life.

Yet 7 years later, marriage has taught me that it’s not about the first yes, or the second yes or even the third, fourth and fifth yes. It’s all about the daily yes you commit to saying for life.

The commitment to say YES when life doesn’t go the way you planned.

The commitment to say YES when the job is gone.

The commitment to say YES when the house falls through.

The commitment to say YES when the dreams are shattered.

The commitment to say YES when the house is a mess.

The commitment to say YES when marriage isn’t the solution to loneliness as you expected.

The commitment to say YES when the picture you see doesn’t look like the “box” you picked up.

The commitment to say YES when money is low and bills are due.

The commitment to say YES when stress is high.

The commitment to say YES when the grass looks greener on the other side.

 

The daily yes.  

Yes, I will honor you.

Yes, I will love you.

Yes, I will cherish you.

Yes, I will pray for you.

Yes, I will support you.

Yes, I will be there for you unconditionally.

Yes, I will be by your side when no one else is.

If you spend your relationship waiting for the next milestone, you’ll always be disappointed. You’ll always feel like something is missing. But if you learn to love intentionally and without reservation, you’ll find that the journey is better than the destination and the daily yes is your best yes.

Today I celebrate that marrying my husband was my first yes, is my last yes and will forever be my best daily yes.

Keep Reading

Have you ever been in a situation where you're revisiting a chapter of your life you thought was over? 

Maybe a relationship, a financial obligation, a job, a struggle, an addiction or a mindset? 

It's a frustrating feeling to think you're "over" something only to find out that's not really the case. How do you deal with this? How do you really KNOW when the chapter is over? 

Recently I found myself in a situation where I really thought a specific chapter of my life was over. I thought that certain situations were a part of my past and I no longer had to worry about them anymore. Yet, here I am. Staring in the face of this chapter that I thought was over, frantic and anxious at the thought of facing it once again. (One day I'll elaborate on this in detail, but not today, not this blog..) 

"But why?!" I ask.

"I thought I was done with this." I ponder.

It led me to ask a tough question, "How do you really KNOW when you're truly done with the last chapter?..."

After a lot of thought, contemplation and questions, the answer came to me from a still, small voice.

"Just keep reading"

Our life is like a book, God our Father, the Author and Finisher.  I've realized this, just because you withdrawal and stop reading, doesn't mean the chapter is over. 

If you want to know how the story ends, just keep reading. The only way to get to the next chapter is to finish the one you're on. 

"Just hold on"

The last week or so has been pretty trying for me. I have a ton of competing emotions going on in my mind and I started to feel a little overwhelmed by them all. 

With my husband away last week, followed by a busy weekend it wasn't until just last night that we were able to talk and he helped me sort through the madness in my mind. 

Our talk was super encouraging and I felt "better" after the short ride home from the grocery store or so I thought. But, God knew me better than that. He knew I was still uneasy and although I knew everything my husband said was true, I still couldn't quite make his words of faith MY tangible reality. 

As we got out of the car my husband said "Just grab Rylee, I got everything else." With dinner in the front seat, both our children in the back seat and groceries in the trunk, I naturally headed to get Savannah.. "Listen to me!" He said. "Just grab Rylee and I'll get the rest." 

"Well, if you insist" I thought to myself.

Awkwardly walking away from Savannah, heading for Rylee and then slowly walking away from the full car, I made my way upstairs. 

Shortly after I heard Savannah "Daddy, carry me!! Carry me, Daddy! Carry me!!" I opened the door because I knew at this point, he was going to need some help. Reuben has a "one trip" rule so I knew he was carrying everything from that car all at once at that moment. It's just what he does, all the time. This meant, there's no way he could also carry up our two year old. 

I opened the door, expecting to be of some assistance but what I saw and heard next was not only entertaining, but food for my soul. 

Reuben was standing at the bottom of the stairs, hands filled, bags lining his forearms and Savannah starring up at him. "What now?" I thought. 

"Sav, hold on to my neck" he said. 

"Ok, Daddy... Daddy, you got me?" Sav said.

"Yes baby, I got you. Just hold on and don't let go." He replied. 

I just stared at them both. Reuben, arms full carrying every bag that was packed into our trunk. Savannah, holding onto his neck, not a worry in the world.

She didn't say "Dad, are you sure?" "Am I took heavy?" "Are the bags too much?" "Should I just walk?" 

No, she simply listened to her father. 

She held on and didn't let go. 

Although it looked crazy (and borderline unsafe) from my perspective, Savannah wasn't concerned. He said he had her. He said just hold on. He said he wouldn't let her fall. And that was enough for her. 

In that moment I knew what my Heavenly Father was trying to tell me. 

"Just hold on. I know my hands seem full, I know you wonder if I can carry the burdens of this world AND the weight of your worry, but I can. Just hold on. And don't let go." 

And like that, I resolved in my heart to just hold on and never let go. Does it mean I don't have moments of worry? Or doubt? Or fear? Absolutely not. It just means that in the midst of it all, I know if I just hold on, He'll carry me through. 

I'm safe in the arms of my Father.

Faith is Found in the Face of Fear

Several months ago I found myself in quite the sticky situation. With my back against the wall it was one of those moments in life where I had to choose- fight or flight.

 

A bit overwhelmed and slightly terrified, I choose fight.

 

I'm not a confrontational person by nature, I don't look for trouble nor do I invite trouble to my door step but when faced with necessary and constructive confrontation, I will not back down. I know that there are times in life when it's best to look the other way and let things go but in this situation, I knew, I just had to do it. I had to step up, I had to step out, I had to stand up for myself and more importantly, for what was right.

 

The choices I've made with regards to this situation have led me down a one way path, with an end that at times, seems far from my view. As a result, the last several months I've felt up against the wall in so many areas of life. 

I've found myself in situations that I did not choose, I do not understand and quite honestly, I do not want to deal with. Yet, here I am. I keep asking myself, "Why is this happening? Why do things have to be this way?". It's all been very unsettling to me and truthfully, I've been scared of the prospective outcomes.

 

Sitting at my desk, I felt overcome with questions, surrounded by frustrations and fear was just flooding in. Suddenly, I couldn't take it anymore. I got up from my desk, took a walk to the restroom and put my head down. Full of questions but unable to even form a sentence to articulate what I felt, I just stood there.

 

In that moment what seemed like a "Bible's Best Ever" clip ran through my mind and I saw David standing face to face with Goliath the giant. I saw Esther, terrified but boldly speaking out to the king.  I saw Moses stuttering as he spoke to the Pharaoh. Mary, completely confused and concerned as the angel of the Lord appeared to her and told her of her impregnation by the Holy Spirit.

 

And then suddenly, a still, small voice spoke to my soul...

"faith is found in the face of fear"

 

I was reminded that sometimes, faith is only as strong as the fear it faces. Each time you face adversity in your life you're given an opportunity to shrink back in fear or stretch out in faith.

 

Change can be difficult and it can also be scary, but one thing is for sure- if you face it, your faith will grow and your fears will shrink.

At this time in my life, nearly 5 months after the start of this entire saga, I feel myself completely stretched, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. I feel my faith stretching and my fears shrinking as I press into the future, blindly, but boldly.

With Change, Comes Growth.

Since Savannah was born night time has been our time. As a nursing Mom, I would get up for all her feedings throughout the night and that was our quiet time together. 

As my pregnancy with Rylee comes to an end, Savannah has been waking up several times throughout the night crying for me, wanting me to hold her and wanting to be really (REALLY) close to me. 

Tonight has been especially rough. She's not only cried to be close, but the moment I get up to use the bathroom or get a drink of water (which could easily be a half dozen times in a night) she's up, alert and crying for her Momma. 

A Daddy's girl who's usually comforted by his embrace just isn't having it tonight. I lay her close to me, kissing her head and telling her "It's ok baby, Mommy's here." 

I turn to my husband "Do you think she knows Rylee's coming?" 

"Oh yeah" he responds without hesitation. 

I know that she knows her quiet nighttime moments with Mommy will soon be shared. The chest she would once cuddle up to, will now belong to two, the bed she loves to snuggle in will now be shared by one more princess and the Momma she once a claimed as hers and hers alone, will now answer to another. 

"Savvy, it's ok. Mommy's here. I'm not going anywhere, baby. I know, you know Rylee's coming. Our family is about to grow a little more with love and with growth, comes change. Never be afraid of change baby, some of life's best gifts come immediately after change." 

Well. There you have it. Short and simple. Through the words of comfort to my child, God speaks to me. The inner most part, the scared woman inside who longs to see what was once familiar. 

"Don't be afraid baby girl, I'm with you. And I'm not going anywhere. Change is good. With change comes growth." 

Life's teachable moments. They are always here. Even at 3:30am on an early Friday morning, with a sleepy two year old snuggled into your chest. God will always give you what you need if you're willing to open up and receive it. 

What do I know? Things will never look the same again for baby areas of my life, but it's ok. With change, comes growth. 

Sometimes I wish things could be different...

I woke up this morning next to the man of my dreams, I snuggled with my daughter who is just shy of perfect, I got myself ready, walked out of the garage, got into my husband’s car that he left in the driveway for me, I drove to Bagel King where I picked up to coffee and then headed to UB for my Saturday morning class. I walked upstairs, sat down, pulled out my iPad, book and notebook and just sat.

I thought to myself, “WOW. Life is good.” I mean some of these things were the basic day to day, some were materialistic but in the end, they are all blessings. Blessings that I’ve been too distracted to see. Blessings that I have become so use to, I forget sometimes how fortunate I really am.

Here’s the truth. Sometimes I wish things could be different. I have a great life, but my mind will always go to the one or two things wrong and I begin to fixate on what I can't fix. I think about things excessively. I wonder, ponder, soak & settle in on the image in my mind of what things are and how they could be. It drives me crazy at times. It keeps me up at night. I think SO MUCH that my head hurts and I wish for just one minute I could shut it off.

Why does it have to be like this? What did I do to deserve this? What’s the point in trying?

Sometimes thoughts of defeat and destruction plague my mind. But today, I realized something. I realized that I’ve been so busy fixating on the little bit that doesn’t quite look the way I expected, that I forgot about all that was right, good and true in my life.

I realized today that I can't win them all & that ok. I might never understand, and guess what, I'm ok with that. What I can do is resolve in my heart and in my mind to let it go & just move on. Things might never be how they "should be" but who's to say what that is anyways?

Life isn’t easy, it’s not clean, it’s not simple and you don’t always get what you deserve. That’s ok. I’m reminded of a poem by Mother Teresa, the last line is simple, it says “You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.”

My heart, my happiness, my peace; that’s MY responsibility. I can focus on what I can’t fix, or I can make the choice to choose peace over problems, joy over junk and happiness over hate. I'm not ungrateful, but I have been distracted.

It's time to fix my focus.

Don't quit your daydream

It's been a while since I last blogged. Although I've had the best of intentions it seems like no matter how many goals I set, how much I say things will be different or how badly I want it, the burden of busy always seems to find it's way back to me and my hopes, plans and dreams slip through the cracks of my broken mind. 

In this season of life I'm a full time wife and mother (with another on the way), my husband and I are heavily involved and ministry, I work full time and go to school part time. Most days I'm so thankful for this opportunity but some days I just feel smothered and semi suffocated under the burden of busy. 

Go here, do this, do that, don't forget to do the dishes, wash the clothes, feed the baby, write the paper, take the test, doctor appointments, blood work, planning and preparing, go to bed and start all over again. Will it ever end? 

I doubt it. At least, I hope not. 

My busy life also means it's full. Full of opportunity, full of blessings, full of things and people to be thankful for. 

Although it probably doesn't sound like it, I'm not mad about the place my life is at. I'm thankful for the hustle and bustle. I'm not dying for a break, I like knowing there is more to life than just the day to day.  However in the middle of all the madness one thing rings real and true to my heart and soul.... 

Lori, don't quit your daydream!!! 

Through the business and the blessings, I don't want to forget about the things that make my heart wild. I don't want to forget about the journey I started and the destination I long to reach. I don't want to forget the things that I heard and saw so long ago, long before the busy. I don't want my dreams to be distracted to death. 

I have a deep desire in my heart to write. To write blogs and books, articles and journal entries. I want to write! About everything and anything. Ok, maybe not anything but anything that makes my heart tick. 

I know life gives a lesson to learn daily (if not hourly) and I love to share my own experiences, ideas, thoughts and practices with others. 

My hope is to help and encourage, lead and propel, share and learn!! I want to be the best example of strength and grace, humility and dignity, brains and beauty to my daughters that I possibly can. I want to be the kind of wife that my husband can be happy to come home to, I want to make an impact wherever I step foot. Whether it be in the business world, church, school or the grocery line. 

I know that God has called each of us to life and liberty, not just busy and broken. 

My daydream is that I would find a way, go the way and show the way. Through my life and through my writing. 

What's your daydream? What keeps you up at night? What hopes, dreams and aspirations keep your heart ticking? 

It's never too late to find out! It's never too late to get started. 

Regardless of what life looks like now, don't ever, EVER quit your daydream.