Living Large

 

I love the outdoors. 

It reminds me of how BIG God is how all of His creation, including US was made to grow and flourish. 

I realized today (I think I realize this every so often in different forms or fashions) sometimes you just have to give yourself permission to let go, live large, boldly and freely. 

We can't continue to blame the "smallness" we feel on society, social standards or relationships when in the end, God is HUGE and LIMITLESS and He lives within US.

How can we continue to contain that? 

In the end, large, bold, free living starts from within. You have the power to change the course of your life and the path you choose. 

Live expansively and do it unapologetically. 

God is big. Think larger, go further. It's possible! You can do it. Let go.
You'll thank yourself one day.

Get there. Stay there.

I've recently made the decision to go back to school. I'm really excited, yet slightly terrified at the same time. It's been something I've wanted to do for a while. It was actually my plan from the beginning but after a confluence of circumstances, it just hasn't worked out. 

Until now. 

As a wife, mother, full time employee and active volunteer in church ministry, I really don't know how I'm going to balance yet another thing on my ever filling agenda, but I do know, it's got to be done!! 

My heart cries for more. No really, it weeps. I'm a very thankful person, I'm always grateful for the opportunities I have, but deep down inside, I just know there is more. 

As I prepare to embark on this new journey, a journey that will take of my time and finances, a journey that will require sacrifice, not just of ME but my husband and daughter, one thing rings in my heart. Over and over again. 

That place, the place my heart wanders to throughout the day, in the middle of night, whether I'm alone or with a crowd of people, that's where I want to be. That's the place my heart longs for. 

I don't know what this is going to look like, I'm not even sure how it will work, but I do know one thing: It will happen, it has got to happen!!

There is a part of me that feels lost and empty, broken and missing, that place needs to be filled. Where my passion becomes my daily purpose. Where my hearts dream becomes my life's reality. 

I don't know what stage of life you're in, but maybe like me, there is a place your heart wanders to. Find a way to that place. Permanently. Don't just visit it periodically in a whimsical thought. Find a way to build permanent residency in that place, where your heart is happy. 

You deserve it. And the world NEEDS it. That place your mind wanders to is the place where God can use YOU to change the world. 

Get there. Stay there. 

It's Complicated.

Relationships. They can be fun and rewarding yet challenging and difficult at the very same time. With so many moving components, it's a miracle when two people "click". Different personalities, preferences, life paths, beliefs and history all compile what we call character. Whether it’s between friends, family or a spouse, the merge of two very different people is all but graceful at times.

Over the last several weeks I've been dealing with some relational issues that have all but sucked the life out of me. Situations that have recently occurred combined with situations that have been a long time in the making have made for a melting pot of emotions in my heart and have placed what feels like bricks of thoughts in my mind, literally weighing me down day by day.

Some days are better than others. Sometimes things seem fine, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I can look things over, sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I feel like I’ve moved on, other times it feels like there is this underlying issue that just keeps surfacing. Some days I let it go, and some days I feel like I can't take it anymore. "Am I crazy?" I ask myself. "Is it all in my head?" I wonder. Thoughts of all sorts blocking, clogging and congesting my mind.

When will it end?

I've come to the realization that some things cannot be prayed away. Some things cannot be dismissed. Some things cannot be overlooked. Some things simply need to be addressed. Head on, with love and truth. It’s only through confrontation that there is an opportunity to learn, grow, mature and move on.

I get it, life is complicated. Relationships are complicated. You never want to hurt someone. You never want to offend someone. This makes it much easier to just minimize and move on that to confront and change things.

But what purpose does that serve anyone? How does that help anything to just "let things go". Don't get me wrong, not ever battle is worth fighting in, but sometimes, battles need to be fought. Words need to be said and things have got to change.

Honestly is the best policy. Right? Then why is it the most overlooked component to relationship? Since when did it become better to ignore an issue? Since when did it become better to “pretend” everything is OK? Since when did ignoring the elephant in the room cause the elephant to disappear? Since when did suppression in the name of "keeping the peace" become healthy?

I’ve come to realization that some things just need to be dealt with. And if that means losing everything, I have to ask myself, "If I lose everything over the truth, was it ever worth having?" After all, who wants to live a life or engage in relationships based solely on lies?

If living a lie is what I need to do to "keep it", in my opinion, it was never worth having in the first place. Speaking the truth may be difficult, but swallowing a lie, day after day is harder.

"If I knew he was dying, maybe I would have done thigns differently"

And then she said, "If I knew he was dying, maybe I would have done things differently".

 

In that moment, it was as if I suddenly became supernaturally connected, not just to the conversation, but to that family, to that loss and my heart broke.

 

Death. It's so sad, so raw, so fragile, yet  so predictable at the same time. It visits us all. No one is above (or beyond) death, you can't run, hide or cheat it, you can't buy more time, you can't reverse it once it's done. Death does not discriminate by age, marital status, social status, level of success or purpose. Death is final, absolute and without limitations.

 

As I sat for a moment pondering the thought, a million things went through my mind and ultimately my broken heart turned from mourning to confusion.

 

"If I knew he was dying, maybe I would have done things differently"

What does that mean?  If you knew he was dying? As though you expected he'd live forever? I don't understand, how you didn’t know he was dying? Doesn't death knock at all of our doors? Doesn't death meet each of us with a cold good bye at some point or another?

 

My mind still going a million miles a minute, just kept running that statement through my head. Over and over and over again. If I knew? If I KNEW he was dying.

 

With a heart full of sadness, my mind concluded, how did you not know he was dying?

 

In that moment, it hit me, again. A realization I have almost daily, but today it felt truer than ever before. We're all dying. One day it will be my daughter sitting amongst her friends mourning the loss of myself or my husband. One day, it'll happen whether we’re ready or not.

 

What is it about death that is so certain yet so mysterious? We may never know for sure when or how, but what we can count on is that it will happen.

 

There is such a fine line between life and death, earth and eternity. Yet sometimes we live as if it doesn’t even exist.

 

I wonder what she would have done differently. I wonder what one day I will wish I did differently. Death is inevitable. Without being morbid, you still have an opportunity to prepare for it. Your daily life should be lived in preparation for death. What will people remember you by? What will they say about your passing? What legacy will you leave for your children? Or your children’s children? How about those closest to you, what will you feel the day your last good bye is uttered? How do you treat those you love? Do they know they are loved? Does your spouse know that he (or she) is longed for? Do they know that everyday you would choose to say YES to them once again? Does your family know how much they mean to you? If your love is never expressed, it can be argued that it doesn’t even exist. What does it matter to have unexpressed love? Where will that leave you?

You might not know when, where or how, but one day, your life and the life of those around you will come to an end. Don’t live with regrets of things unsaid, problems unresolved, relationships unrestored, promises never fulfilled. Life is too short and too fragile to live in a way that leaves room for regrets.

 

You may not have forever, but you have today. Let those around you know how much they really mean to you. You never know when it’ll be the last time.