The Struggle

Something I’ve always struggled with is being easily influenced. Not in the sense of doing anything wrong or bad, I typically can’t be influenced to do anything I don’t want to, but I can be easily influenced emotionally.

I really try to walk through life putting my best foot forward, I try to express and carry myself in a way that that my heart and who I really am can be seen by those around me. I do my best to live a genuine, authentic and transparent life, yet sometimes it all goes down the drain. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, being misunderstood or misrepresented makes me sad. The gap between who I think I am, and how others perceive me is often big enough to bring me to tears.

Whether or not I show it, my feelings can often be hurt, words pierce my heart and at times I can find myself in the midst of much confusion simply because of a negative opinion about me. I find myself going from confident to confused rather quickly if I’m not careful. I am generally a joyful person, yet in the midst of negativity I can sometimes find myself negative by association.

I’ve searched high and low for a solution on how to stop this. I don’t want my outlook of myself to be eclipsed by the opinions of others, but the more I search for HOW, I feel God redirecting me to why.

Why do I feel like this? Why is it that time after time I allow the opinions of others to change my own opinion of myself?

The answer I found? I’ve elevated the words and opinions of others over the infallible word of God and His truth about me. At some point my focus has been lost and my attention has been redirected.

Sometimes the loud opinions of others can muffle the still small voice of God, especially if you’re not close enough to Him to hear His whisper. I’ve realized if I want to keep God’s truth about me close to my heart, I must keep my ear close to His lips and that require intimacy.

God is my creator and He knows me better than I know myself. No one knows how the iPhone functions better than Apple. No one can ever understand its features, capabilities, strengths or weaknesses the way Apple can. Likewise I’ve realized, no one will ever understand my features, my strengths, my weakness, my heart, my soul the way my creator does. That doesn’t mean no one will EVER understand me or that relationships aren’t necessary, it just means that the most meaningful relationships in my life will start with my creator.

I believe a genuine love for myself and others, will come with a genuine love and understanding of God. It’s impossible to love the creator and hate the creation. Maybe I have been a litter distracted, maybe my attention has been misdirected, but it’s never too late to refocus.

My heart and mind is focused on my creator, everything else will flow from that…..

Nothing will ever be the same..

Being a new mom I'm living in what will probably be the most ever changing point of my life. Everyday brings a new challenge, a new adjustment and new excitement.

I realize more and more that things will never be the same. The way I sleep will never be the same, the way I eat will never be the same, the way I shower or get ready for the day will never be the same, the way my husband and I interact and spend time together, that's never going to be the same.

It's a lot to take in. Although I spent 9 months thinking about,  preparing and anxiously awaiting this moment, up until now having a baby was limited to a thought and a baby bump. Then, in one instant (or in my case 48 hours) everything changes. Labor happens, the delivery follows and suddenly everything I knew was gone and the exciting, yet scary beginning of an entirely new world began. Everything is different and nothing will ever be the same again.

I've found in the past 5 weeks that a key component to my successful adjustment is to realize and embracing that fact; no matter how much I resist, nothing will every be the same again. It sounds so drastic right? Possibly but I think sometimes our biggest obstacle when facing change is the fact that rather than calling it what it is and embracing it, we fight against it with a desperate attempt to get things "back to the way they were".

It's not that "what they were" is somehow better than what they are now, but it's familiar and sometimes familiar feels better than the unknown. Familiar is safe, predictable and overcomeable (I realize that's not a real word but it works!) Familiar gives us a sense of security.

Everyday when I get out of the shower I see a very new and very different body in front of me. A little heavier, a little stretched and a little fragile as I recover from my cesarean, I see a body that is very unfamiliar to me. When I get ready, I have the new challenge of juggling an infant, diapers & feeding with makeup, dresses & blow drying. When I leave the house, I no longer "grab and go", now I must prepare, plan and pack for not just myself but my daughter. When I'm out, I no longer take my sweet time, but now my daughters feeding schedule is the deciding factor for what, where, when and how long. When I'm home, my daily tasks like cleaning and cooking look different. I could throw in the towel for both, feeling completely justified as I take care of a very clingy, very needy infant but I like to clean and I like to cook so I make it work. My "me time" writing, reading or blogging now looks very different (hence the reason it's 4am and I'm writing this entry). Most impacted; quality time with my husband. This too is now very different. Date night is no longer spontaneous and frequent, the rare occasion of sleeping in together is now obsolete and the time and love that was once exclusive to one another is now shared with our most perfect princess Savannah.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change this for the world. Nothing, I mean NOTHING is the same, yet somehow, it's perfect.

I've realized the key to my success in adjusting to my new life as a mother it to realize and except things are different, and they will always be different from this point forward. Nothing will be the same again, I can never go back to "the way things use to be" and that's ok. Embracing my new life and all the changes that come with it is key to fulfillment and satisfaction in this season.

Too many times rather than embracing change, working with what we have and building from where we are, we focus on how things use to be and allow ourself to become consumed with getting back to "that place" rather than embracing where we are now.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life saying "remember when" rather I want to embrace the present and live for this moment and this season that I'm in. I know once I get adjusted, even this familiarity will only last so long, and then once again, everything will change, and that's ok.

Maybe you aren't a new mom, but maybe you find yourself in a very different season of life. Maybe your recently unemployed, newly married, fresh out of school, whatever it may be, you find this new and different place to be scary and intimidating. That's normal, we all feel this way sometimes, but I would challenge you that you'll never completely enjoy your life and maximize this moment unless you accept the new, say farewell to the old and realize nothing will ever be the same and that is ok.