Body AFTER Baby

I recently posted this question on my Facebook page:

“What would you say is the most difficult post baby adjustment? And if you're not a parent but plan to be, what do you THINK will be the most difficult adjustment you face?”

I had in mind my own top three difficult adjustments, but I wanted to see what other people thought about the topic. Two of the three I had in mind were discussed but today I want to talk about the third one, the one no one mentioned. I’m not sure if it’s because other woman don’t deal with this issue or because it’s just not one of the easier topics to discuss but either way, here goes!

One of the most difficult transitions for me as a mother, has been my body after baby. There are many adjustments and on the big scheme of things, this probably shouldn’t be a HUGE concern, (which it isn’t) BUT it has been on the forefront of my mind and a difficult one to adjust to.

Growing up I’ve always been on the smaller side, I’m one of those girls that was naturally thin and I never really had to watch what I ate or exercise in order to stay “skinny”. Now just as a disclaimer I’m not saying this is the “right” way or the way women should look, nor am I saying this is the healthiest lifestyle, but nonetheless, this has been my reality for the majority of my life.

This all changed for me once I became pregnant with my daughter. My slim figure quickly, began to stretch and grow by the very day. Throughout my pregnancy I gained nearly 50 pounds! Although seeing my body morph into something unrecognizable was difficult at times, I really didn’t have major body image issues during my pregnancy. In fact, I never really thought I looked that big most of the time. I can honestly say most of my insecurities or self- consciousness was developed over time from other women (and sometimes men) who would say things such as “Oh my gosh! You’re huge!” or “WOW. I never got THAT big”. I realize now, that in comparison to my petite pre- baby frame, yes, nearly 50 addition pounds does look HUGE but I wasn’t some sort of spectacle. The fact that I was a little bigger than normal wasn’t an open opportunity for people to tell me so at every available opportunity. I think sometimes our society confuses “keeping it real” with “being rude” BUT I’ll leave that alone. Another day, another blog.

Anyways, one of the things I started to say towards the end of my pregnancy was “I can’t wait to have my body back”. This is twofold, one because I could not wait to not feel invaded by another human being and two because I couldn’t wait to shed all these extra pounds that had become difficult and cumbersome to carry around and made getting dressed every morning less like a daily task and more like an Olympic event.

This sounded good and all but there is one thing no one ever told me… AFTER you have your baby, you don’t just “get your body back”. This was probably one of the most difficult realizations for me. I knew I would be sleep deprived, covered in spit up, changing diapers all day and for all intents and purposes, considered a milk machine. I knew a lot of things about having an infant, but THIS I didn’t know. Being postpartum, I still looked pregnant and since I delivered my daughter via C-section, now I was not only fragile but I had MORE physical limitations then I did my entire pregnancy. It made for a very difficult transition to say the least.   

Over the course of weeks, I managed to lose 30 pounds, this was a great start but it was still a far stretch from my overall weight gain. Now, thankfully, the first 30 pounds came off relatively easy, however, I can tell the rest of them are going to give me a run for my money!

For me personally, the most challenging aspect has been making the time to work out. In the midst of working full time, taking care of a home, a husband, church activities and responsibilities, I now have a 6 month old who requires so much of me and I have allowed working out to quickly fall to the bottom of my priority list. It’s not that I don’t want to work out, it’s not that I don’t want to get back into shape, it’s not that I don’t want to fit back into all my old clothes. Of course I want to feel like myself again, right?

Ask I’ve asked myself this question, I’ve realized that maybe I don’t want it as bad as I thought, or maybe, I want the finished product, but I don’t want the process it takes to get there. Maybe it has become easier to complain about how I feel, than it would be to actually do something about it. I realized that I have made excuses for myself over and over again and every time I add an excuse, I add another pound on my back. (Not literally but you get the picture)

“I don’t have time”
“I can’t diet, I’m breastfeeding”
“I’m too tired”

These are some of my common excuses, but they are just that. EXCUSES. Everyone has enough time to do what they REALLY want to do, I can’t diet, but there is a suggested calorie count that is suggested for breastfeeding moms and HOW I reach those calories is up to me. Will I eat cupcakes and brownies all day or will I make healthy choices that will allow my food to work WITH me and not AGAINST me? I am tired, but as I begin to live a healthier life style energy will come.

I’ve realized sometimes it’s easier to be addicted to your struggle than to actually make the moves you need to see change! This can go for anything in life, what are you complaining about? What obstacle do you talk about but do nothing about? The struggle is no longer a struggle once you submit yourself to it. At that point it’s a lifestyle choice.

I’m not saying I want to be super skinny to feel beautiful, for ME personally, I don’t believe that is necessarily the image of beauty I should strive after. However, I do want to be strong! I want to become fit, healthy and confident. I really want to feel comfortable in my own skin, not because I’m perfect, but because every day I do my best to take care of the one body that God has given me.

As a woman and a mother, I believe in my body more than I ever have before. I have a new found appreciation for this baby making machine. I am thankful that although many times I felt like I couldn’t take it another day, like I couldn’t bear another pound, like I couldn’t withstand another contraction, my body overcame it all and today I am stronger because of it. I might never look the way I did before I had my daughter, and I might never loose the last 15 pounds, but I tell you what, I will be stronger in the end.

I know that this is going to take time and effort, but I’m committed to the process.

Knowledge v Wisdom

Anyone who knows me well, knows I do two things, A LOT..

 

1. Think

2. Talk

I find myself sometimes over thinking and then just blurting out my feelings, thoughts or opinions randomly or unnecessarily. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong but most times I could have just been quiet either way.

I guess one thing that really frustrates me more than it probably should, is knowing that something is “wrong” and just looking past it, ignoring it or acting like it never happened. It literally burns inside of me until I get it out. This could be a good thing, or a bad thing. I guess it really depends on who you ask and when you ask them.

I’m learning more each day that just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. Just because I’m “right” or justified doesn’t mean I need to blurt it. Some things are meant for private pondering, not public broadcasting.

It’s true: knowledge is knowing what to say, but wisdom knows when to say it.

Lately I find myself writing out long text messages, emails or Facebook post, getting all my thoughts out and then clicking “cancel” because I know it’s just not worth it. I’ll think something over and over in my head and then ultimately, just leave it there. I’ve realized is nothing worse than regretting something you’ve said. Once words are spoken, they are gone. Forever. There is no taking them back, and no matter what your intent, sometimes, they just take on a life of their own.

I’ve become more aware lately of what I say, and to whom I say it to. It’s one thing to speak, but if your words have no end purpose, what’s the point? If nothing good will come of them, if they will make no difference, better yet, if they will make no positive impact, why say them?

If you’re not using your words to build, then you’re using them to destroy. If you’re not using your words for edification, you’re using them for deformation. Whether it be a person, place or thing, your words can be used for building up or breaking down. Choose them wisely.

Not every thought is meant to be shared; my prayer is that I would become quick to listen, slow to speak.

Starting Tomorrow..

How many times have you heard these words? Better yet, how many time have you SAID these words? 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going on a diet" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to work out"

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to wake up earlier" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to pray every morning" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to stop eating out" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to stop talking about that situation" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm going to be a lot nicer to my spouse" 

"STARTING TOMORROW, I'm gonna stop using my cell phone all the time." 

So many times I've said "starting tomorrow", yet so many times "tomorrow" never came.

I can spend my entire life waiting for tomorrow, or I can realize that TODAY is the day. There is no time like the present. Now is my moment. Why wait? 

"Don't leave for tomorrow what can be done today" 

Starting today....... 

On Fire, but Not Consumed

I've always been particularly interested in Exodus, chapter 3. In this story, the Lord appears to Moses in a burning bush. The scripture says “There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.”

It’s interesting that although the bush was “on fire for God”, it wasn’t consumed. It didn’t burn out, it didn’t die, it just stayed fully on fire yet fully alive. 

This is an interesting concept for me when I think of it as it applies to my personal life in ministry. It’s my desire that I will always be on fire for God, but never consumed to the point of destruction.

Although I’ve pondered this thought for months, over the past couple of weeks it all came together for me in a very real, tangible way. 

Let me start by saying that I love my life, I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love working in ministry and most importantly, I love God. Nonetheless, over the past few weeks I’ve allowed some negativity to enter into my heart and cause much confusion. I've begun to question and wonder:

“Can we really manage all this?”

“Are we doing the right thing?”

“Is this too much of a sacrifice for our family?”

"Where they right?"

"Is this sacrifice fair to Savannah?" 

There are times when I feel like “Am I doing the right thing?” or “How much is TOO much?” I love what I'm doing and I know that Reuben and I are willing to sacrifice for what we believe in but now having Savannah, I wonder, is it fair that she really had no choice in the matter? Over the past couple of weeks this has been so heavy on my heart. I’ve been praying, seeking the Lord and just wondering what do I do next? 

Thoughts like this have polluted my mind, fogged my vision and have made it very difficult to see and think straight. I’ve seriously contemplated what the “next step” should be and where we should go as a family from here.

In the midst of all of this, I continued on with life as usual, little did I know that was all about to change. This past Wednesday night at our weekly City Link gathering, I spoke to our group about Life Savers. In order to  create a picture of a real example, I set up a scenario for them to think about. This is what I said: 

You’re driving down the street and you come across a house on fire. No one is around, just you. On the side walk you see a kid, cold, scared and crying. He ran out of the house when it caught fire and now he's sitting there alone and terrified. Then you look at the house and you see that there is another kid in the window. Terrified, paralyzed in fear and unable to move.. What do you do? 

Everyone had a different answer. Some said put the kid in the car, others said call 911 and finally one person said, "Well since the kid outside is just cold, I would try to save the kid who's life was in danger." This hit the nail on the head. My entire point was, we aren’t called to comfort the uncomfortable, but to seek and save the lost. Saving the lost will require us to take risks, be brave, put our own life and comfort on the line and enter into messy situations as well as places of vulnerability. This makes sense, right?

 

Now moving  on to Thursday morning,  I get a text message from a close friend and group member saying something along the lines of “I really feel like God is saying everything you said last night is for you. The raging fire is messy, scary, terrifying, overwhelming but there is something inside that makes it worth it. Don’t give up. You can't quit now." I just said thanks and kind of kept it moving. I didn't think too much of it and almost dismissed it as just another sweet "word of encouragement" that made no difference in my life or situation. 

Now, fast forward to Sunday morning. After an awesome service, a young woman whom I rarely speak to, came up to me and told me that my family & I have been an encouragement to her over the last year and she wanted me to know. She spoke wonderful words of how we've impacted her life and she's thankful for that. Then, she continues on to tell me she had a dream about me and wanted to share. What she said next blew my mind. 

 

"I suffer from anxiety sometimes and in this dream I was stuck in my house while it was on fire, too terrified to move I stood there helplessly. Suddenly, you walk in with your husband and daughter. Together, you walked through the fire, guiding me out with a still, calm voice. "Come this way" you said, "it's going to be ok".

 

As this young woman spoke, it hit me like a ton of brinks. It was the confirmation I’ve been waiting for. It would be one thing if she said that I went into the fire, its another thing to know that we were together. Reuben, Savannah and I, as a family.
 

I know that God sent her to me that day. Someone I rarely talk to, to give me the confirmation I desperately needed to hear. Not knowing anything about me or my situation she spoke words of affirmation into my life and future. Her words meant more to me than she'll probably ever know and I'm forever thankful for her obedience. 

That afternoon I was once again reminded of Exodus chapter 3. When you're on fire for God, you will never be consumed to the point of destruction. I realized in that moment that we are on the right path, we are doing what God desires us to do, our sacrifice will not be in vain and my daughter will never lack. Yes, sometimes Mommy and Daddy can't be there the way we wish we could be, but I know that in our absense, God will fill that void and then some. Savannah will never lack. Not now, not ever. 

I realized that my frustration came from letting God slip out of the center of everything and letting myself sneak in. My Christ confidence somehow became self- confidence and with that I was destined for failure. When He is the source of my fire, it is all consuming but I am not consumed. 

I'm thankful that God would take the time, to arrange a series of events that I could not discount as coincidence and that would resonate in my soul for years to come. 

I’ve known for a long time that our life would be very different, and although people may not completely understand that, I feel in my heart that the confirmation I’ve received from God, and the words He has spoken over our lives, outweighs any other word that anyone could ever speak to us or about us. 

I know in whom I trust and believe and my confidence will be steadfast.

We will remain on fire, but not consumed ❤️❤️❤️

Now.

It amazes me how beautiful life has the potential to be... 

I have this vivid vision of life imprinted on my heart. Well to call it a vision implies I know what it looks like... I don't, but I know what it feels like. It's like God left an impression of what reality could be on my heart. I can feel it, I can sense it. It's like burning in my heart that there is more. More to life, more to love, more to relationships. More. And I'm on a relentless pursuit to find it.

Sometimes I feel like I live in a partial reality. Where relationships are shallow, words are empty & promises come a dime- a- dozen. Where dreams never leave the pillow & "to do's" find a permanent home on sticky notes. 

I know it's not by ill intention that things look this way... It's just that, this is all we know. It's all we've ever known & it will be all we ever know if something doesn't change soon. 

It's my hearts biggest hope and desire to trade the superficial for the supernatural. 

I want to live life in the fullest capacity possible. I want that vague sense of greatness to become my reality. I want to see life lived out to the fullest. I want my list of hopes and dreams to become my list of accomplishments. I don't want to spend my entire life sensing there is something greater yet never seeking to find the greatness. 

Today starts a new day. 

Today is a new opportunity. 

I can continue to be disabled by excuses or allow myself to be inabled by my passion. 

It's time to be set apart.

Apart from what was, in order to see all that there is. 

It's time to move forward. 

With boldness. 

With confidence. 

It's time to live a life that creates greatness all around us. 

It's time to make every dream a reality. 

Why not? 

Who said it can't happen? 

Who said it would never work? 

Who said give up? 

Who said you're not good enough?

Who said you'd never make it? 

I will not let idol words about my destiny become active in my present. 

The time is now. 

It's time for greatness. 

It's time to move on. 

It's time to move up. 

It's time to move forward. 

Not later. NOW. 

Not tomorrow. NOW. 

Not when you have more time. NOW. 

Not when the kids are older. NOW. 

Not when you have more money. NOW. 

Not when your family supports you. NOW. 

Not when things get better. NOW. 

Not when your friends understand. NOW. 

Not when people believe in you. NOW. 

Not when the time is right. NOW. 

The time is right. The time is NOW. 

Take it or leave it

I am no work out guru and in fact, I’m probably not even active enough to be considered someone who “works out”. However, over the past few weeks I’ve developed this deep desire to be strong and this desire has motivated me to get moving! I don’t necessarily know what I’m doing, but I know something is better than nothing right now. This mindset may seem silly to you, but for me this is huge! You see, I’m a weakling. My body frame is small, I have no muscle mass and it’s likely I could not do a pushup in correct form if my life depended on it.  I’ve never been one to work out and I’ve never been “in shape”, I’ve basically gotten through life being slim thanks to good genes.

Having my daughter however has left me with a new found appreciation for my body. Going through the process has increased my awareness of just how much I can handle as well as how much more I am capable of doing. With this new revelation, I’m determined to not only lose my baby weight, but get strong. Really strong. I know this is no small feat for someone like me, starting from nothing, but I’m willing to put in the work to get it done!

One of my most recent adventures involves Title Boxing Gym in Milford. This place is amazing. If you want to get strong, this is the place to go! I’ve attended two weeks in a row with a good friend of mine, first for a kickboxing class and then today for a boxing class.

Today during our boxing class, Ben (our trainer) was bouncing around the gym yelling out commands.
“Drop! Give me 20 push ups! Lets go! Let’s go! Let’s go! You came here to work?! You’re gonna work!! Let’s go! Right gab, left gab, right body, left hook!!” (His voice still haunts my thoughts!) Now as I said, I’m a small girl, but don’t get me confused with fit!! I’m what I like to call, skinny fat. Nothing about me is toned, lean or cut! I’m just skin, bones and fat so needless to say, this workout was KILLING ME. Ben would bounce around the gym coaching us on and making sure we did what he said. As the work out intensified and my body began to give, I found myself trying to copout. When he was looking at me, I would punch as hard as I could, my squats would be in perfect form and my knees would always come up to my chest for high steps. However, when he turned around, that was a different story. Once his back was to me, it was like the green light to rest, relax and take a breath or drink of water. I knew if he wasn’t looking, I wasn’t going to get reprimanded.

Smart right?! Umm.. Not so much…  There was one point in today’s class when Ben was across the room,  back towards me and I just stopped, dead dog tired and I just stared straight at the back of his head thinking, “Is he Satan? Has he come to destroy me? Right here and right now?! Am I going to die?” and then he said these words that I will never forget. “WORK! If you came here to work, WORK! You have a goal to reach? You’re only gonna get it by working hard! WORK! Don’t cheat yourself!! WORK!!”

At that moment, it hit me. Like a pound of bricks! I went there with a goal, I could slack off when he wasn’t looking, but who would that inevitably effect? Not him…  I would only be cheating myself.

That statement made we really stop and think. How often do we do the right thing when someone is looking, yet once they turn around, we’re back to the same old…? It was like God whispered to me, “It’s not what you do in public that will make a difference, it’s what you practice in private that will set you apart.”

Only a small fraction of our life is lived in the public eye. Whether it is the oversight of a trainer, teacher, leader or boss, we spend more time in our life without anyone over our shoulder holding us accountable, then we do with accountability. That being said, it can become easy to live a double life, one way when people are watching and another when they aren’t.

What we do in private is our character and what we do in public is our performance.

No one will ever know you ate that cheeseburger on your lunch break while you were fasting, no one will ever know that you walked the second lap when you should have been running, no one will ever know you skimmed through the last 4 chapters of you book instead of reading it through, no one will ever know you didn’t do the pushups when the trainer turned around.. It’s true, no one may ever know, but YOU’LL know the truth, and your character will prove it.

What kind of person do you want to be? One that puts on a good performance for the crowd or a person of genuine character, who is able to stand before any person, even oneself, and say: this is me!

I don’t want to put on a good performance for anyone, doing what people want to see when they are around but acting completely different when they are not. I want to be a woman with genuine character, authentic and unwavering. I don’t want to do what looks good when people are watching, but then cheat myself when no one is looking. I want to be consistent and confident; I want that when I look in the mirror I can unapologetically say, this is me. Take it or leave it…

 

More than just mulch

My husband and I bought our home last March and moved in shortly after we finished some updating and work around the house. Amongst many other cosmetic things, one of our projects was yard work. (And when I say “our” project I really mean HIS project, I just cheered him on from the side lines. Yard work isn’t really my thing!) 

Although we have a very nice size yard, it needed A LOT of TLC. After lots of leaf removal, grass seeds and tree trimming, we got to the final piece, THE MULCH.

I never knew how many options there were for mulch! After looking at all the possibilities Reuben and I (well mostly Reuben, he's a little more into this stuff then I am!) decided on getting the red, plastic mulch. (Yep, PLASTIC!) Reuben sold me on the plastic mulch even though it was way more expensive for two really good reasons. First, it looks better; the plastic keeps its color longer and you're able to use it year after year without that faded look to it and second it's plastic so it won't attract bugs the way wood mulch would. Once that dilemma was settled, we bought a ton of plastic mulch, fixed up the front yard, laid it out and it looked FAB. We couldn’t be happier. Now, fast forward just one year and guess what we're doing, you guessed it! Shopping for mulch….

Why you ask? Good question, I asked the same thing!! Well you see, when the spring came, up through all the mulch grass started to grow and weeds began to sprout. Now all of our bright, colorful mulch was tainted by weeds. We realized (a little late) that before putting down the mulch, the proper procedure would have been to pull up any weeds we could, then put down this plastic barrier that would stop and kill any new sprouting weeds, THEN lay the mulch. The plastic would serve as a barrier to keep any new weed growth from sprouting and as a foundation to lay down the new mulch.

It makes a lot of sense, and for the most part it’s a very straight forward process. It likely wouldn’t have taken all that much more time to do it the right way to begin with but now that we did it the wrong way, our time and effort (not to mention money spent) would all be doubled, at the least.

Now as you’re reading this one of two things is happening. One, you’re wondering why I would blog about mulch or two you’re realizing this is about more than just mulch.

How similar is this mulch scenario to many of our life struggles? We have great intentions, but in a rush to finish the job and make things “look nice” we often skip over the process completely. We have a tendency to deal with the immediate and visible exterior, skipping over the deeper, bigger issue that lies below. At first glance everything will seem ok, and typically we are left with something nice to look at (initially anyways) but it’s just a matter of time before all the old issues, problems and feelings creep back up and show their ugly face again.

Whether you realize it or not, you’ve likely been in this situation, possibly more than once. An eager desire to see immediate change leaves us with unresolved, underlying issues that will later surface and cause us double the work and effort to rectify.

In my own life I’ve seen this happen in relationships, finances, obligations or responsibilities, even emotional hurts and offenses I’ve encountered.

I thought I dealt with the situation, I thought I was over it, I thought it was rectified, but in the end I realize, I thought wrong and what I really did was place a nice cover over an ugly issue. We all know that looks can be deceiving and it’s only a matter of time before the weeds of life begin to creep back up and roar their ugly heads again.

Why is it that we are so eager to skip the process? Why is it we tend to be more concerned with the visible evidence of the issue rather than the actual source of the problem? Could it be a subconscious fear of finding out what really lies beneath? Or maybe in our own impatience we want a quick fix rather than a lasting change?

I realized something through this all, something I knew but suddenly because that much more tangible in my life. Jesus did not intend to suppress our offenses; pushing them deep down under, far enough that they wouldn’t been seen or even sensed by those around us, rather His desire is to supplement those things, removing them completely and replacing them with HIM.

I wonder how much time I could have saved, how much energy wouldn’t have been wasted or better yet, how many more seasons my “change” would have lasted had I gone to the root of the problem rather than try to quickly cover it up.

Thankfully it’s never too late to get it right, it’s never too late to stop, dig up the dirt and start the process (the complete process) all over again. It may seem difficult to face, it may seem like more work than you’re willing to commit to, but in the end you’ll be glad you did it.

No matter how bright the mulch was or how nice it looked, its beauty was eclipsed by the protruding weeds. Don’t let protrusions from your past eclipse the beauty of your present.

Find the problem, get to the root, dig it up and then place Jesus, your protective barrier, between what was and what is. He is able to be the barrier you need to seperate you from what once was and what is, as well as the foundation you need to build a new beginning.    

It’s never too late.