More than just mulch

My husband and I bought our home last March and moved in shortly after we finished some updating and work around the house. Amongst many other cosmetic things, one of our projects was yard work. (And when I say “our” project I really mean HIS project, I just cheered him on from the side lines. Yard work isn’t really my thing!) 

Although we have a very nice size yard, it needed A LOT of TLC. After lots of leaf removal, grass seeds and tree trimming, we got to the final piece, THE MULCH.

I never knew how many options there were for mulch! After looking at all the possibilities Reuben and I (well mostly Reuben, he's a little more into this stuff then I am!) decided on getting the red, plastic mulch. (Yep, PLASTIC!) Reuben sold me on the plastic mulch even though it was way more expensive for two really good reasons. First, it looks better; the plastic keeps its color longer and you're able to use it year after year without that faded look to it and second it's plastic so it won't attract bugs the way wood mulch would. Once that dilemma was settled, we bought a ton of plastic mulch, fixed up the front yard, laid it out and it looked FAB. We couldn’t be happier. Now, fast forward just one year and guess what we're doing, you guessed it! Shopping for mulch….

Why you ask? Good question, I asked the same thing!! Well you see, when the spring came, up through all the mulch grass started to grow and weeds began to sprout. Now all of our bright, colorful mulch was tainted by weeds. We realized (a little late) that before putting down the mulch, the proper procedure would have been to pull up any weeds we could, then put down this plastic barrier that would stop and kill any new sprouting weeds, THEN lay the mulch. The plastic would serve as a barrier to keep any new weed growth from sprouting and as a foundation to lay down the new mulch.

It makes a lot of sense, and for the most part it’s a very straight forward process. It likely wouldn’t have taken all that much more time to do it the right way to begin with but now that we did it the wrong way, our time and effort (not to mention money spent) would all be doubled, at the least.

Now as you’re reading this one of two things is happening. One, you’re wondering why I would blog about mulch or two you’re realizing this is about more than just mulch.

How similar is this mulch scenario to many of our life struggles? We have great intentions, but in a rush to finish the job and make things “look nice” we often skip over the process completely. We have a tendency to deal with the immediate and visible exterior, skipping over the deeper, bigger issue that lies below. At first glance everything will seem ok, and typically we are left with something nice to look at (initially anyways) but it’s just a matter of time before all the old issues, problems and feelings creep back up and show their ugly face again.

Whether you realize it or not, you’ve likely been in this situation, possibly more than once. An eager desire to see immediate change leaves us with unresolved, underlying issues that will later surface and cause us double the work and effort to rectify.

In my own life I’ve seen this happen in relationships, finances, obligations or responsibilities, even emotional hurts and offenses I’ve encountered.

I thought I dealt with the situation, I thought I was over it, I thought it was rectified, but in the end I realize, I thought wrong and what I really did was place a nice cover over an ugly issue. We all know that looks can be deceiving and it’s only a matter of time before the weeds of life begin to creep back up and roar their ugly heads again.

Why is it that we are so eager to skip the process? Why is it we tend to be more concerned with the visible evidence of the issue rather than the actual source of the problem? Could it be a subconscious fear of finding out what really lies beneath? Or maybe in our own impatience we want a quick fix rather than a lasting change?

I realized something through this all, something I knew but suddenly because that much more tangible in my life. Jesus did not intend to suppress our offenses; pushing them deep down under, far enough that they wouldn’t been seen or even sensed by those around us, rather His desire is to supplement those things, removing them completely and replacing them with HIM.

I wonder how much time I could have saved, how much energy wouldn’t have been wasted or better yet, how many more seasons my “change” would have lasted had I gone to the root of the problem rather than try to quickly cover it up.

Thankfully it’s never too late to get it right, it’s never too late to stop, dig up the dirt and start the process (the complete process) all over again. It may seem difficult to face, it may seem like more work than you’re willing to commit to, but in the end you’ll be glad you did it.

No matter how bright the mulch was or how nice it looked, its beauty was eclipsed by the protruding weeds. Don’t let protrusions from your past eclipse the beauty of your present.

Find the problem, get to the root, dig it up and then place Jesus, your protective barrier, between what was and what is. He is able to be the barrier you need to seperate you from what once was and what is, as well as the foundation you need to build a new beginning.    

It’s never too late.

The Struggle

Something I’ve always struggled with is being easily influenced. Not in the sense of doing anything wrong or bad, I typically can’t be influenced to do anything I don’t want to, but I can be easily influenced emotionally.

I really try to walk through life putting my best foot forward, I try to express and carry myself in a way that that my heart and who I really am can be seen by those around me. I do my best to live a genuine, authentic and transparent life, yet sometimes it all goes down the drain. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, being misunderstood or misrepresented makes me sad. The gap between who I think I am, and how others perceive me is often big enough to bring me to tears.

Whether or not I show it, my feelings can often be hurt, words pierce my heart and at times I can find myself in the midst of much confusion simply because of a negative opinion about me. I find myself going from confident to confused rather quickly if I’m not careful. I am generally a joyful person, yet in the midst of negativity I can sometimes find myself negative by association.

I’ve searched high and low for a solution on how to stop this. I don’t want my outlook of myself to be eclipsed by the opinions of others, but the more I search for HOW, I feel God redirecting me to why.

Why do I feel like this? Why is it that time after time I allow the opinions of others to change my own opinion of myself?

The answer I found? I’ve elevated the words and opinions of others over the infallible word of God and His truth about me. At some point my focus has been lost and my attention has been redirected.

Sometimes the loud opinions of others can muffle the still small voice of God, especially if you’re not close enough to Him to hear His whisper. I’ve realized if I want to keep God’s truth about me close to my heart, I must keep my ear close to His lips and that require intimacy.

God is my creator and He knows me better than I know myself. No one knows how the iPhone functions better than Apple. No one can ever understand its features, capabilities, strengths or weaknesses the way Apple can. Likewise I’ve realized, no one will ever understand my features, my strengths, my weakness, my heart, my soul the way my creator does. That doesn’t mean no one will EVER understand me or that relationships aren’t necessary, it just means that the most meaningful relationships in my life will start with my creator.

I believe a genuine love for myself and others, will come with a genuine love and understanding of God. It’s impossible to love the creator and hate the creation. Maybe I have been a litter distracted, maybe my attention has been misdirected, but it’s never too late to refocus.

My heart and mind is focused on my creator, everything else will flow from that…..

Nothing will ever be the same..

Being a new mom I'm living in what will probably be the most ever changing point of my life. Everyday brings a new challenge, a new adjustment and new excitement.

I realize more and more that things will never be the same. The way I sleep will never be the same, the way I eat will never be the same, the way I shower or get ready for the day will never be the same, the way my husband and I interact and spend time together, that's never going to be the same.

It's a lot to take in. Although I spent 9 months thinking about,  preparing and anxiously awaiting this moment, up until now having a baby was limited to a thought and a baby bump. Then, in one instant (or in my case 48 hours) everything changes. Labor happens, the delivery follows and suddenly everything I knew was gone and the exciting, yet scary beginning of an entirely new world began. Everything is different and nothing will ever be the same again.

I've found in the past 5 weeks that a key component to my successful adjustment is to realize and embracing that fact; no matter how much I resist, nothing will every be the same again. It sounds so drastic right? Possibly but I think sometimes our biggest obstacle when facing change is the fact that rather than calling it what it is and embracing it, we fight against it with a desperate attempt to get things "back to the way they were".

It's not that "what they were" is somehow better than what they are now, but it's familiar and sometimes familiar feels better than the unknown. Familiar is safe, predictable and overcomeable (I realize that's not a real word but it works!) Familiar gives us a sense of security.

Everyday when I get out of the shower I see a very new and very different body in front of me. A little heavier, a little stretched and a little fragile as I recover from my cesarean, I see a body that is very unfamiliar to me. When I get ready, I have the new challenge of juggling an infant, diapers & feeding with makeup, dresses & blow drying. When I leave the house, I no longer "grab and go", now I must prepare, plan and pack for not just myself but my daughter. When I'm out, I no longer take my sweet time, but now my daughters feeding schedule is the deciding factor for what, where, when and how long. When I'm home, my daily tasks like cleaning and cooking look different. I could throw in the towel for both, feeling completely justified as I take care of a very clingy, very needy infant but I like to clean and I like to cook so I make it work. My "me time" writing, reading or blogging now looks very different (hence the reason it's 4am and I'm writing this entry). Most impacted; quality time with my husband. This too is now very different. Date night is no longer spontaneous and frequent, the rare occasion of sleeping in together is now obsolete and the time and love that was once exclusive to one another is now shared with our most perfect princess Savannah.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change this for the world. Nothing, I mean NOTHING is the same, yet somehow, it's perfect.

I've realized the key to my success in adjusting to my new life as a mother it to realize and except things are different, and they will always be different from this point forward. Nothing will be the same again, I can never go back to "the way things use to be" and that's ok. Embracing my new life and all the changes that come with it is key to fulfillment and satisfaction in this season.

Too many times rather than embracing change, working with what we have and building from where we are, we focus on how things use to be and allow ourself to become consumed with getting back to "that place" rather than embracing where we are now.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life saying "remember when" rather I want to embrace the present and live for this moment and this season that I'm in. I know once I get adjusted, even this familiarity will only last so long, and then once again, everything will change, and that's ok.

Maybe you aren't a new mom, but maybe you find yourself in a very different season of life. Maybe your recently unemployed, newly married, fresh out of school, whatever it may be, you find this new and different place to be scary and intimidating. That's normal, we all feel this way sometimes, but I would challenge you that you'll never completely enjoy your life and maximize this moment unless you accept the new, say farewell to the old and realize nothing will ever be the same and that is ok.

True love that is liberating not limiting...

This year, 2013, marks one decade of love and learning (or should I say, learning to love) with my husband & best friend, Reuben. We starting dating when I was a young and dumb 16 year old, we were married 5 years later when I was 21 and this October we celebrate 5 wonderful years of marriage.

When I look back on our relationship I can't help but be amazed by the evolution. For anyone who knows us, you know our relationship has been far from perfect & outright unhealthy at times. I thank God though that over the last few years our love for eachother has grown, matured and continues to flourish day by day.

When I think about where we've been and where we are now, I know that it has been God all along, working behind the scenes, teaching us how to love Him, ourselves and eachother.

I can't say that I have a perfect marriage, I don't. No one does but I do know that everyday I wake up next to him, I'm thankful and overwhelmed with joy about how far we've come, and what still lies ahead.

But like I said, it wasn't always like this... I know that the turning point for us has been committing our lives to God. Learning how God loves us, and learning how to love God has helped us to love eachother. As cliche as it sounds, the closer we've gotten to God, the closer we've gotten to eachother.

I think it's safe to say we've learned a lot, but above everything, the one thing I hold close to my heart and try to apply to my marriage daily is this:

God's love is liberating not limiting.

When I look at the most pure and true example of love, I see a love that is not only selfless, it's liberating. It always encourages, lifts and promotes growth.

I think many times frustration and strife will enter into a marriage through the limitations that are unjustly set for either partner. We look at marriage as a list of "you cant's" rather than an ocean of opportunities that say "WE CAN".

From the example God has given me, I see that true love is liberating not limiting. Now please don't get me confused, I believe in boundaries and compromise, both are healthy and necessary attributes for a marriage but I don't believe that marriage was intended to lock your spouse down and demand that they conform to what YOU desire them to be, rather than allowing them to become who GOD intends them to be.

Not long before I gave birth to my daughter I was asked, if you have Savannah Saturday, where will Reuben be Sunday morning, my response: "Church". To some people the thought of my husband going to church shortly after I give birth sounds crazy, possibly even inconsiderate but for us, it works. I know where my husbands heart is, I'm confident in his judgement and I know he would never leave us if we wouldn't be ok without him. I also know what is important to him and I do my best to make what matters to him, matter to me. Again, to each their own, but it works for us.

I love my husband and it makes me happy to see him happy. It makes me proud to see him work hard at something he loves and see his hard work turn into success. There is nothing I want more than to see him develop into the man that God desires him to be and when there is a way for me to encourage, support or motivate him, I will do it because I'm committed to his success.

Marriage is far from easy and any married person will tell you that everyday can be a challenge. Each day will bring new opportunity to become bitter or better. Marriage will never be picture perfect like a Disney fairy tale but I believe with all my heart following the lead of the one who IS love will lead you to true love with your partner. A love that is liberating, not limiting.

You too are loved..

It's amazing how quickly time passes us by. To think just one short week ago I was sitting in the hospital with my little one, staring intently at her, in awe and wonder of her beauty.

Reuben had left for church, the room was quiet and I just sat on my hospital bed staring at Savannah, admiring every last detail of her.

"Savannah, I love you so much!" I said with tears welded up in my eyes.

"You are amazing. You are gorgeous in every way! Savannah you came OUT OF ME! You are a special piece of me. I hope you get everything that is good from me, and bypass all the bad. Savannah, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you! To keep you safe. To keep you happy and healthy. I promise you baby, no harm will come your way as long as I can help it! You are a treasure, straight from heaven & I will always hold you close and dear to my heart. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me love you any more or any less. My love for you is limitless and unconditional. You have my heart baby girl and that will never, ever change."

Tears running down my face it suddenly made sense.

God loves me.

He really, really loves ME. It felt as if during that time I spoke over my daughter, God began to speak the same words of affirmation over me. In that moment, as close as she felt to me, I felt to God. I knew that He held me close, and sustained me in every way necessary.

Years of church, loving God and knowing He loved me suddenly made more sense than it ever had before.

GOD LOVES ME!!!  Not because of what I have or haven't done, not because I love Him or because He has to, He loves me just because I am His. I am a piece of HIM! 

As I looked at my daughter, I felt such an overwhelming feeling, I literally felt swaddled in love. The new found love for my daughter as well as this revelation of God's love for me rushed through me, over taking and filling every last empty part of me.

It's hard to understand this love.. Even as I look at her, I think of my husband and how many years it took for us to truly, love each other the "right way", I think of all the people I've encountered whom I wanted to love, or should love, but just couldn't. Love hasn't always come easy for me. It was something I knew but at times, the reality escaped me. And now, suddenly, in a split second, it made more sense then it ever had before!!

It's amazing how one moment, one touch, one look, one encounter could change all of that. In one single instant, it all made sense.

 

I feel like with this revelation, another piece of heaven has opened up over my life. I am now not only aware, but  convinced that God's love for me is like no other love I will ever know. It is real, tangible, unearnable and irrevocable.

I am His. And He is mine.

It is my hope and prayer that in someway, God's love for you will be exposed in a real, tangible way as well. Maybe you have children, and you can relate to this, maybe you don't. Either way, I know that God is big enough to meet you in this moment, in the exact way you need Him to and speak to your heart in a way that will make sense to you, just to show you that you too are loved. You too are cherished. You too hold a piece of God's heart within you that He will always love and hold dear.

You too are loved.

Straight Ahead

As I was sitting in my hospital room today, a storm began to roll in. I was looking out the window and suddenly the clear blue sky was being taken over by the storm coming in from the right.

I took like 20 pictures, trying to capture the beauty of this moment & as I snapped away all I could hear in my heart was "Do not look to the left or to the right, but fix your eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of your faith."

My heart literally smiled. This illustration reminded of how crazy and unpredictable life can be. One moment it's sunshine & butterflies, and the next, it's storm clouds & thunder...

It reminded me of the power of perspective and the importance of looking at situations from a distance, across it's entirety, rather then close up with limitations.

If I looked out of my window to the left I would have see nothing but clear skies and sunshine, if I looked out to the right, I would have only seen storm clouds and darkness falling over the city. Although both perspectives were technically true depending on where you stood, neither would give me a completely accurate evaluation of what was happening.

It reminded me of life. How many times do we look to the left or to the right & whether what we see is good or bad, we still only see a portion of the perspective.

Looking straight out my window I thought to myself, there will be good days, and there will be bad days, but the most important thing is that I look forward, straight ahead, always knowing the Son in right in the middle of the two. Jesus brings me balance. Jesus brings me joy in the good days and positive perspective for the bad days.

As easy as it might be to look to either side, my heart it set heavenward, looking straight ahead to the one who is the author AND finisher of my faith, Jesus.

Let your eyes look right on [with fixed purpose], and let your gaze be straight before you. Consider well the path of your feet, and let all your ways be established and ordered aright. Turn not aside to the right hand or to the left; remove your foot from evil.
Proverbs 4:25-27

Surely...

Most days I wake up and literally can't believe this is my life.. I feel so thankful and blessed for everything around me. Grateful for how God has transformed my life and grateful that He has made the little I had into something more beautiful than I could have ever hoped for or imaged.

 

I look at my growing belly, past the itchy stretch marks, heaviness and discomfort I see the most precious gift I could ever be given. The gift of life. I wonder how God could have found me fit or suitable enough to place this miracle within me. I wonder how I could be so lucky to have such an amazing husband. He is so talented, supportive, caring and considerate. He's given me a sense of stability and structure that my heart has always longed for, knowing that he is always in my corner, rooting me on has given me such confidence to pursue my dreams, words can not even describe how thankful I am for him. I wake up every day in such a beautiful home, a wonderful job, fabulous friends and family. Most times, I don't understand how I can be SO blessed.

 

I know that it's not because of anything I've done. I know that I could never do enough to make myself worthy of all that God has blessed me with. I realize that it's by His grace alone I'm able to have more than I deserve.

 

When I stop and think about grace, a very simple picture comes to mind.. (if you know me, you know I need an illustration for everything!) I envision myself, standing, looking towards the heavens at all of God's goodness and glory, His love and mercy, and it just seems so far from me, close enough to see it and yearn for it but too far to touch it! And then I see grace. I believe grace is the substance that bridges the gap from where I am to where God is. Grace fills in everything that I can't. It makes a way to a destination that would otherwise be impossible to reach. It makes the impossible, possible.

 

With all that I have, I still wake up every morning knowing that there is so much more to come. I turn over and see the most amazing man I know laying by my side (in case you didn't know, I think my husband is absolutely wonderful and I'll never stop saying it), my daughter flipping in my belly and I think "wow, could it get any better?".. 

 

Something inside of me always whispers, "Yes. It can and it will".

 

Now, I don't say this to brag, or because I'm arrogant or conceited. I don't even say it because my life is perfect or because I have no lack or struggle, that's not the truth either. I say this because I can look across the balance of my life, the good and the bad, and still know that each portion is a blessing, not a burden. I'm a woman who chooses to talk about my joys and not my struggles, my hope and not my fears, my future and not my failures. If that is offensive, that's unfortunate.

 

As my pregnancy comes to an end I'm filled with excitement and anticipation about the newest addition to our family. Filled with awe and wonder, I think what will it be like? Will I be a good mother? Will my husband and I provide for our daughter? Will we lead and direct her in the ways that she should go? Will I be a good example of a Christian women? Will my relationship with God be something she is attracted to or will she try to deflect God because of my example? Will my marriage remain stable and strong? Will my house stay in order? Will I still be able to write? Can I possibly be as active in ministry as I believe I'm called to be WHILE raising a child? Will I be the mother my daughter deserves?

 

As all these questions run through my mind, I can honestly say, I don't have much of an answer for any of them. I really don't know what things will be like, I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where this road will take me. I can see where I am, I can see where I'm going, but the road to get there is still a blur.. In the midst of all the confusion, there is one thing that rings in my heart, loud and clear, the one thing that keeps me confident, the still, small voice that whispers:  

 

"Surely there is enough grace." 

 

I realize that before I was a wife, a leader, a teacher, a writer, a mother, a friend, a sister, an aunt, an employee before I was any of these things, I was simply: Daughter

 

Realizing that being a Daughter to the Father is what I was first called to do, and being His Daughter will be my only eternal title, brings me peace that no matter what other "titles" I hold in between, Daughter came first and Daughter will be last. I may not know exactly what this journey will look like but I know that grace will bridge the gap of where I am, and where I need to go.

 

Maybe this life is impossible, maybe I do have unrealistic expectations OR maybe, just MAYBE I have come to the realization that with man it may be impossible, but with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

 

As I enter into this new chapter of life I'm convinced I will find success and balance, peace and joy. My prayer each day is "Not by my strength, but by YOUR grace." and surely, there is enough grace..........